I was shivering inside but I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to hurt you 
when you hurt me. 
I didn't mean to hurt you
when I showed you my scars.
I didn't mean to cut you skin-deep 
when I cried my bloody heart out. 
I didn't mean to shun you
when I only wanted to be alone with my thoughts.
I didn't mean to kill you 
when I only shared my thoughts. 
I didn't mean to hurt me 
by being me, 
I didn't mean to hurt me, 
by letting you in me, 
I didn't mean to hurt me...
by being your sister.

Earrings Part I

When you're rearranging your earring holder-
and you realize there's no more room for newer ones, 
do you simply buy a newer, bigger, and (most likely) fancier earring holder? 
Or do you sell your oldest ones to make more space? 

Either choice carries a suggestingly large sacrafice. 
Do you spend more money to accomadate old friends?
Or do you make money and lose time getting ride of the old-timers? 

Then again-
they say the vintage pieces are worth the most-
but are they worth the space? 

And what part of you doesn't want to be new?
What part of you is holding on?
And why?!

Why is it so difficult to simply let go when all they're doing is being a nuisance reallly. 


"Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or let go?"

YAY!

They're making my FAVORITE BOOK OF ALL TIME into a movie! FINALLY! 
I was even thinking at some point last week that if someone doesn't make it into a movie...I would. 
HAHA. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0989757/


Dear John-February 2010! 
I'm so EXCITED.
I'll watch it every day in theatres from when it comes out to when it goes on DVD.
Then I'll watch it every day on DVD! 

DOUBLE D'S=Delayed Devotion (:

"It seems you want to give me a life-time of security...
Down on your GIANT knees...
I'll watch you beg.
I'll watch you plead.
But your words come too late.
My love for you has turn to hate. 
Cause you took too much time to show me that you're mine. 
...you'll need another toy; one that won't stand up for herself. "

Gotta be Happy...

"Wish I could step away and breathe 'cause this world is trying to swallow me. 
Got my dreams, 
got my life, 
got my love,
got my friends,
got the sunshine above.
Why am I making this hard on myself 
when there are so many reasons to be happy. 
People lie.
People hide.
People cry.
People fight.
And they don't know why."

Despite the bio and chem test that I am so under-prepared for...I'm extremely happy.
And this happiness has me feeling really positive about these tests....so I'm studying like crazy! It's a nice feeling.

Today was a good day too!

Woke up at 4:45am to go to the states with the family, our student, and Marvin.
Just bought a blouse and other stuff.

Marvin and I didn't really go there for shopping...more for the time together because lately we haven't been seeing each other a lot. 
So we just went to the mall for the pretzels :) 
We spent like half an hour looking for Auntie Anne's though. 
Then we went home (slept in the car...it was a nice nap together) 
and watched Taken! yay!
Then Marvin went home and I took a shower and finished studying.

I've had a good week in general. 
Caught up with a lot of friends I haven't spoken to in a loooong time.
And saw some old faces! Liiike bbt with Collin!
Those were good times too! Naming the jub woman and jum man tree. 
(Them together=Circle of Life because of Simbalba and ELana!)
Shoooot good times good times. 

And the same day went to Marvin's house then did some grocery shopping 
and cooked dinner at home and watched Bride Wars! (Which is the soundtrack I'm listening to right now.)

AND people over on Friday. That was chill too! First time they used the court in the back so that was crazy. And Jaaache slept over. 
And then Saturday out with my loverrr, Jache. 
Went shopping all day that day (conquered RC, istoohype and PC! haha!) 

So all together....it was a really fun long weekend. 

I had a dream.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream.

Got a phone call late last night...

...from a number I didn't know.
But I knew who it was the second he said, "Hello." 

What have you done?

"Insomnia is 1.4 times more common in women than in men."


And I've told all my friends (I've told him) that you're all I dream about.
You drive me crazy in my dreams 
Constantly you open and close doors. 

INSOMNIA

My sleepless nights 
are of your doing.
They're the result of this unfinished business.
I wrestle with the night 
and I always find that I've lost again.
He'll always have one up on me...
always one step ahead; I'm caught 
eyes-fixed on his back blocking my vision. 
I can never win. 
Scratches on my back, 
pains in my neck, 
blood seeping through my skin...
I can't seem to understand 
how all of this has happened.
I don't understand why. 
No pillows,
no medicines, 
no blankets, 
no lullabies
will soothe me sound to a deep sleep.
Because when I wake up to the sun shining brightly through my window...
I feel like I never closed my eyes...
like my body has been working all night and I'm scared.
I fear you, dark night. 
I fear what you've been doing to me.
And what's worse, 
I fear what you will 
and CAN 
do to me. 

BREATHE EASY

It's like breathing.

Poetry, I mean..or any action to do with words, really. 

Speaking.

Writing. 

And I don't mean that in the sense that it's as EASY as breathing

but rather in the sense that it's vital. 

It's refreshing.

It's like that first sip of tea after a long day at work. 

Without my tongue...

without expression...

without all my words... I feel trapped under water that's been sealed with a lid of ice. 

And as soon as I break free;

after the bruises have surfaced from punching under the ice, my knuckles sore and blue & my body so numb it's past the stinging pain from the cold water...

I feel the air rush through my lungs; filling my vessels with a spirit unknown and unventured by so many. 

Unheard of by so few.

And unattempted by multitudes. 

This spirit slicks my tongue and floods my throat.

It brings me to life.

It pushes past all reason and all thought. 

It MAKES me SPEAK.

It MAKES me WRITE.

It TELLS me to EXPRESS.

It CAPTIVATES my soul. 

And constantly.

CONSTANTLY, it grows in me. Grows within this heart of mine.

Grows,

Builds, 

and moulds the inner me. 

Moulds the unseen me. 

The real me.

THE CORE of me that can't be seen with the naked eye, 

can't be tasted with premature mouths, 

can't be smelled with the human nose, 

can't be felt with these unexperienced hands, 

only touched by words.

Moved by words.

Consumed by words.

Inhaled by words.

It's How I Imagine You.

You were always one for off-timing.
You were always one for being tardy. 
You never made an effort to be there...

And it's how I should've expected it. 

But for some reason I always vision that valiant knight-
riding on his white horse.
The one meant to sweep me off my feet at the perfect moment...

I imagine you'd slay the dragon as its jaws encase me and its fiery breath boils sores on my neck...
it's how I imagine you.

It's how I imagine you to look me in my eyes and
reassure me that I'll be alright. 
And with a sweet brief embrace 
you'd carry me off up the stone staircase 
and then carefully lay me in the bed 
and with your hard yet gentle hands...tilt back my head...
then with the perfect timing I thought you'd have...
kiss me
sweet
slow
passionately. 

But it never went that way. 
You came too late. 
And when you entered the castle...
the dragon smiled...
and I was no where to be found. 

It's as easy as cracking knuckles...

It's as easy as cracking knuckles...
and as relieving as well. 
You were difficult at first; it hurt at first. 
It took a while before I got used to you, 
Got used to your whining, 
Got used to your rustiness, 
Got used to you. 

And then I didn't.
I didn't want to.
I didn't want to get used to you.
But when I tried to foget you...
When I tried to fold you up and stick you in the back corner of my brain...
you came back...all stiff and achy. 

And I had to bend my finger backwards;
you became my remedy again. 
Slowly my knuckles swell...

ENG PROJECT-MY MADE UP POETRY STYLE

So this is a spin-off of the "Double-Voiced Poem" Style that Carl Leggo made up. 
It's still in double voice but the words are going to intertwine.
AND instead of playing with the public voice vs the personal voice, I'm going to 
play with the "euphemism-filled" voice vs the "straight-to-the-point" voice. 

It's a bring-back of my old poem: http://sheerpulchritude.blogspot.com/2008/11/our-unmade-bed.html

and a mix of the real voice within me. The "this is what I REALLY mean" voice. 

So Red will represent the words that are shared between the two voices.
And Purple will be the euphemist voice. 
And Yellow will be the THIS IS FRRLZ voice. 

                                                       Why 
do we make our beds?                              do I yearn for you?
Do we make them just to                           Do I  love you just to 
                                                       ruin                     
them?                                                            us?
Or do we ruin them just to                        Or do I ruin us when I
                                                       make                      
them?                                                            love to you?
                                Tell me which one is more
                                                     tedious. 
To just                                                            Do I 
                                                     keep 
it ruined and never make it?      ignoring you and somehow fake it?
Or to somehow keep it made and     Or do I fix this again and 
                                                      never
RUIN it?                                                 quit us?

So let's keep this bed un-made         How about we call us quits
                                        isn't that always easier?