Krispy Kreme Plan is a Go-Go.

From Shannon's house to 7153 120 St, Delta...
home of BC'S only Krispy Kreme store.

So...when Ali gets her N (And when we tell her about this.)
Maybe march-ish.
Peaches girls are going to act out this Krispy Kreme Mission.
It is our duty to succesfully indulge on some doughnuts.
(To reward ourselves for what we have done this year...hahahaha, BS.)

But seriously.

The time is upon us...
...we must be brave...
...we must be just...
...we must go to Krispy Kreme....and no, I am NOT bussing.


*This plan is copyrighted and may not be used by any other secondary person other than "the girls." Produced: November something (somedaybeforemybirthday) 2008, at the side of the Foods 11 Classroom on the desk against the wall by Shannon Morales and Ella Hipolito on somethingsomething hours. Witness(es): Julio Epondulan the 3rd. (And Danica Federizo?) Whilst not paying any attention to Mr. T. Genser talking about the different parts to wheat.*


http://www.krispykreme.com/varieties.html#

My day for today:

I have to study for bio...but I'm really craving a black cow right now.
So, I'll make the black cow...then drink it while I'm studying.
Kay....it's a plan.

YOU are too gorgeous...

I mean...her EYES ARE NATURALLY PURPLE. COME ON NOW. Oh, Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh dear...

my life is horribly perfect...
I don't want to know what catastrophe awaits me.

...or maybe I'll just embrace this.

If you do all of the mentioned, I don't think I could last 2 minutes in your presence...sorry.

-People who are so consumed with the "artificial" world.
(These people include those who rather fix a problem on "MSN" rather than in person.)
-People who take a gift/ability, such as reading or speaking, for granted.
-People who drag their feet.
-People who slurp their soup.
-People who slurp.
-People who stare at you for a looong amount of time even AFTER you've stared them down. (AKA basically half the people on everyday transit.)
-People who are ungrateful (these people tend to be rude and obnoxious...and are more than often seen as your common immature brat.)
-People who are so grotesquely inconsiderate.


...There are more. Those are just the ones that are testing my limits right now...I'm seriously on my edge.

MERRY early CHRISTMAS!

Bye everyone! I'm out of here on monday. However, I won't have time to blog tomorrow.
So, this is my early departing note.
Merry Christmas and enjoy.
Take the time to realize the majesty in all things simple.
Search for the patience, the love, the truth that I know everyone has somewhere inside of them.

Mend some broken relationships...
and don't JUST THINK glue and thread will do it.
Create some new relationships.
Give a cup of coffee to that homeless man sitting at the bus stop.
Volunteer at the hospital or at your church.

Do something for someone.
And you'll realize that you've already done something for yourself.


And when you can, take some time for yourself...sleep for 17 hours?
(Yes, that is do-able, I slept 17 hours last night.)

You get everything you want...just maybe NOT in the form you wanted it in.

"What if I want her to tell me the truth?"

"Well then, my boy, you better be prepared to ACCEPT the truth in the spirit with which it was offered."

We've just reached the end of a chapter...

She couldn't bring herself to respond.
Couldn't bring herself to look at him.
She wasn't sure whether she wanted to confront him now
Or wait until she had more time to process what
ALL OF THIS meant.

This realization brought her feelings of frustration to surface once more,
but he didn't seem to notice.

She took one more glance...
one more look at him...
and then went into autopilot.

"...my guess is that both of you are wrong. That's
the way most arguments go anyway. People are who they are
and no one is perfect...you'll always figure out a way to get THROUGH it."
-Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

No more games.
I'm just not in the mood...
It's just that I didn't know why.

"He deserves a life line..."

THEY ALL DO.
They deserve a chance...
a chance at living life.
BE PRO-LIFE.

This life...

contains a heaping truckload of bliss...
and a tablespoon of tragedy.
I've realized it is within this tablespoon that
my hands have become damaged.

They were so completely drenched in chemicals...
I'm quite surprised I haven't acquired some sort of cancer.
(I hope I haven't, anyways.)
The smell of toxins waft into my nose.

However, I have finally rinsed my hands;
I have soaped them clean.
And as I did, I watched the shades of red, blue, and purple
decolorize, and soon disappear in the water
spiralling down the sink...into the abyss.

There's not a spot of paint left...not a mask of colour,
only my bare skin remains...
and naked, I can enjoy paradise...
the paradise that is my life.

I'm sorry that it has taken me this eternity to realize.
Don't worry,

"I have JUST FINISHED."

And this masterpiece will now emerge into a full blossom.

Let's play.

Good move...touché.

Dear Marvin; my number one.

Yes, I called you out.
Just to show you I'm not ashamed...I'm not hiding anything.

But I also want to let you know...that I want to be more than JUST words.
I want to be...
your embrace...
your tears...
your laughs...

your heart.

I want to be yours.

I've aquired many bruises.
The ground frequently opens up beneath me...
and buckets of rain are thrown into the wells of my eyes.

My blood with no where to escape,
creates this plum purple patch within my skin.
I've taken to this purple identity,
No longer sore...
only numb.

The tree's arms reach for me...
Rocks follow my every step...
For it is their desire
to gash my skin open
to reveal my true colour...
my red secret
that is flowing, now so clearly (for its beat shakes the ground),
through this heart;
it's his poison..
it's my salvation...

my blood.

Learn to trust. And believe in me.

I can be your heart's security guard.
Any protection...
under lock and key...
I'll be your security.

Your heart will be safe with me.
Under maximum security.

I need you to believe in me...
I promise I won't let you down.

Just, please, don't lock it AWAY from me.

UGH

I'm upset.
STILL.
(Referring to my last entry!)
...but even more than that...I'm upset at myself.
I mean, I'm just as bad...sitting here in bed...doing nothing about this.


SO...I'm going to do something about it.
I don't care if people think it's "stupid" or "not that big of a deal."
BECAUSE it IS, as a matter of fact...A REAL BIG DEAL!
AND...UGH.

Life...or Death?

"Life or death?" This was something we unintentionally discussed in Bio12 class today.

It fascinated me.

We were, at first, learning about blood...which led to the topic of diseases caused
by improper reproduction of blood...and how we can/should cure them.

We took a situation...and discussed our options.
For example, because our blood cells/platelets can't reproduce on their own...we need bone marrow--which then produces these cells.
However, what if someone doesn't have enough platelets? (Due to a bone marrow malfunction.)

Now what?

Well, that person would kill their "old" and "useless" bone marrow (through radiation.) And get bone marrow elsewhere. HOWEVER, they can't just get bone marrow cells...or platelets from ANYONE because OUR matured platelets have their own antigen. (A name tag, if you will, specific to our own person.)

So now what do we do?

Easy. We take the stem cells from someone else..
Stem Cells=Baby cells that have not yet developed into one specific cell.
(It's like when you're a kid..and you have no idea what you want to be yet...that kind of thing.)

But...where do we get baby cells, you might ask?

Well, from bodies that haven't matured yet...babies.
From the fetus.

Now, this is safe...if it's taken from the placenta/umbilical cord.

HOWEVER, this only provides a limited supply of stem cells.
And people are dying. And their loved ones are grieving.
And they'll do anything...and I mean anything...to get more.
Just to sustain their lives...
even if it means they have to kill a fetus.

So there you go.
People are now MANUFACTURING babies...to take their stem cells...and then kill them.

THIS is ACTUALLY happening NOW. PEOPLE are giving MONEY to OTHER PEOPLE for their fetus'. The saddest part is...in America, they are paying people in poor and unfortunate countries to make babies...just to kill them...for their stem cells...so that they can live longer.

HOW GREEDY can WE GET?

Apparently...we CAN get A LOT more greedy...because right now...in envitro...there are 200,000+ FROZEN fetus'.

And with every minute they spend in this frozen state...their chance at survival weakens.
It's a lose lose situation.
We're killing thousands of lives...with every minute.
WHAT IS THIS?

I'm upset.
If you know me...you KNOW I can't stand abortion...I can't stand to know that lives are being wasted.

Choose life... no matter what situation you're in. Realize there is love in life. That there is a reason to live. And that, most of all, you must give others the choice to live their lives...and what's more...to live them to the fullest. It doesn't matter how close you are to death...embrace what you have until the end.

Forget how close you are to drowning--never give up. You CAN swim to the surface for that sustaining breath.

Why life is actually perfect...

Things go wrong...so that you appreciate them when they're right.
It's about sorrows...
..that always seem to find comfort.




The tears that get kissed dry by the sun.

Eat away at my soul...love me forever.

Please put your hand in mine.
I think that would be nice.
Let's lie together...
I know things will get better.
Take me with you...
just don't dream me away.
It's in your heart;
that's where mine wants to stay.

I wish this could last
for the rest of my life.
And that's the reason why I want to be more than one night.
I want to be more than just a moment you spend in your life.
I want to be more than a day.


I want to be MORE THAN THE WORDS that I say.

THE ONE.

It's the one question everyone has been stopping to ask lately:
"So, what now?"

We're in this together.

We started and we're going to finish...
with your hand in my hand.

We're partners...
we're going to get it like nobody else can.

I'm all for you.
My heart is you.

We've got this master plan.

You asked me about my 'bay' and I'll say,
"When the bus stops running and the trains stop coming, and the ship goes under...
we know we're in this thing together. And when the clock stops ticking and the sunshine is missing. Nobody else will fi it. Because we're in this thing together."

Trust me now.

I love it boy because you're just like my accomplice.
We fight this war.
There isn't a thing we can't accomplish.

Because, love, you're my MVP.
We're like the winning team.

Boy, we're the best they've ever seen.

The presence of absence.

"I was waiting to feel her return my touch, and I felt at that moment, felt with all my heart, that I could wait the whole life of the world for such a thing, until the earth and the sky met and locked and the distance between them closed forever."

I'm focusing now...on not what WAS there...
but what isn't.
The empty space between the fingers...
rather than the fingers that create that empty space
when brought apart.

Not the grasp...but the release.

IT's life.

"A boy--a child...
must be coaxed...caressed into what they might not like...
but what IS right for them.
A man...must be approached..."

The Ceiling

is a short story I have fallen in love with.
http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/ohenry/0902/brockmeier_ceiling.html

Read it. Seriously.


P.S. Eng11-Mr. Hughes...sorry, this is the story I'm doing my project on. I call dibs. d:

I had this dream...where I entered a room.

The walls' grey wings covered the room...leaving behind a
dark hue which was clearly in suffering.

The room bore a cement floor...shockingly cold to my naked feet.



Your hands were covering my eyes. (They find your taste inconceivably sweet.)
I knew it was you; your scent is too familiar...

so familiar that I've learned to associate it with mine.

I knew because of your benevolent fingers...your passionate caress.
And the way your body enclosed mine...my back sleeping in your chest.
For a moment...I was alive...

though my heart had s to p p e d b e a t i n g.

Your breath licked my ear...and I thought I was going to die.

I attempted a step forward...but you gripped me firm.
And you offered me a sweet song of love.

Then away you went...with no goodbye. No warning. Nothing.

My eyes opened...and I saw.
I saw the million and one petals covering the cold cement.

How can something so dazzling associate with the bitter?

But isn't that what it is?

What are petals...if not held by a stem?
So I bent down...and embraced each one.

I picked them up and with my tears,
glued them back onto the stem.

I tucked the flower behind my ear...in hopes that you would notice me...
remember me...and realize it was all a mistake.

SOUL.

I want to kiss you until
your soul comes spiralling out
of your mouth and goes spiralling
back down into me.

SO my throat has been hurting ever since saturday...

..UNTIL NOW.
Thank GOD for NeoCitran.
My goodness.


However, they could use better packaging! It took me forever to open
the damn pouch. So inconvenient.

Don't worry though, my trusty NeoCitran, we can fix that minor flaw.

I'll introduce you to my daddy (:

I have decided:

Life is about...


...endings that bring new beginnings,





...tragedies that turn into unexpected joys,




...and most of all...




...the magical surprise and the very real but unknown element of everlasting love.

SOMETIMES THE EMOTION THAT BREAKS YOUR HEART...

What if I lay on my back forever, perfectly preserved in a glass cylinder of thick electrophoresis gel? Because right now I feel suspended...as if taken by my hair...captured in his fist. While hanging...I'll be in a silent repose. The suction between my lungs will subside and it'll feel as if my head will implode at any minute now. And with every minute waiting...I'll feel anxious. Then I'll go insane.

They say a heart ain't a brain... but why then is my chest so empty?




...is the very one that will heal it.

STUNT DOUBLES.

...know their limits.
Don't EVER pull a STUNT
that is too risky.


Otherwise...you might lose yourself one day.

Driving pre-cautions.

Nearing my house, I had THE realization of all realizations. It happened once I had closed my "Road Sense" Book (because, yes, I'm 16 now and therefore, I am going through the tedious reading of this senseless book...which is ironic because it is actually a book of logic. Really OBVIOUS logic.) My realization was that we're constantly kept away from "accidents" and moreover, events that are "accident-prone." Think about this for a second.
What do you think this is teaching people?! Seriously. In learning they MUST stay away from "physical" accidents (such as collisions), wouldn't they take precautions emotionally as well?
You're probably thinking that, that isn't such an awful thing...nothing to argue with.
However, did you consider just how PROFUSELY they would take these precations?


Or rather, how they could become obsessed with being too careful?


They would all be so unsure of how to commit to a relationship after one set back...after one argument. They would be frightened to go THROUGH the collision and wouldn't take responsibility and therefore, in doing so, they would run away.
Collisions are something to GET THROUGH...something YOU HAVE TO FIX...and not something to just go around. And because they would go around this mess...they'd be accustomed to being so insensitive...and wouldn't be able to care anymore.


Artificially speaking, they live in this mind-set that in "car-crashes" they can unbuckle their seatbelts, get out of the car...and run. To the rest of the sane world, they are seen as ridiculous & embody the character of caitiffs. They're species suffers for up to years from little bursts of oppression when others bring up the "past car-accident." They are fully aware of the past...ultimately by avoiding the past. And meanwhile the whole world is understandably peeling away the insignificant set-backs...letting life take its proper course.

Forward.



To these insane people...the accident tucked away in the back of their craniums...slowly consumes them...causing an excrutiatingly painful hole.



Now, do you realize going around is acually more difficult and more time-consuming than going through? This tendency also produces an abundance of broken hearts. Not just to the person going around...but more specifically and especially to the other car involved in the accident.



While they're off being their rambunctious selves...the victim is being tortured--simply waiting for a hand to take them to a hospital until they're finally healed.



Now, do you see the hidden message to these "road-sense" books?


"Don't be a stupid driver..." has a completely different meaning to me now.



Sure, the government won't congratulate you for being under-cautious...(they'd probably reprimand you.) Just trust me...when it comes to "emotional car crashes" it's better to go THROUGH.

4 steps. Pg.115...but you already knew.

IN MY DREAMS

I can see the weak, healed and strong.
I don't care that they think I'm too young.

Everybody has something they want to be when they grow up,
It's a feeling you can't explain because it's something you want so much.
"Go hang out and play."
"You can't do anything about it now."

The visions in my head CAN become real one day.

I can see the weak, healed and strong.
And it won't take long.
But I'll never get this if I don't start now.

I'm holding on,
I'm finally strong,
I'm following my dreams.

I've come too far,
I'm smarter now,
No matter what they say.
I'll never give up and
I'll hold my head up.

NOBODY can get in my way.
I can go on,
So I'll finish strong...
because I'm following my dreams.

Some people say I'm too young,
That I should go out and have fun,
Don't try to be so "grown",
just try to be a NORMAL "youngin'".

But I've put A LOT of thought into this,
And it's just the feeling that I feel,
Sometimes I can't sleep because all...

I can see are the city buildings bowing down to me.
From the 20th floor--the penthouse--
I'll be watching the city wake up and go to sleep.

I can see ME in the observation room...
watching what is the closest thing to a miracle.
I'll admit that the scary part is....this will happen all too soon.

I can feel this dream coming on...
I'll let it in.

Something's gotta give if I want to see...
the weak healed and strong.
I'm holding on...because I'm following my dreams.

A Note from Father to Daughter:

I never imagined that one person could mean so much,
But then it happened...
There you are.
What a creation.
Needing my patience; deserving of my time
So beautiful.
What a creation.
Simply amazing; instantly changing...

my life.

I realize every day I need you,
I really do, and if it weren't true...
I'd still want you.
And you'll always be the whole world to me;
you're God's precious gift.
Every time you smile,
Every single kiss...
I give my life for this.

And now that I have you; I won't take you for granted.
Here's why....

you're the greatest thing that's happened in my life.

There you are...what a creation.
So beautiful.

It's my birthday.

Yeah...hmmm...
any thoughts?
no.
any epiphanies yet?
none.
what do i feel like?
nothing.


wow...16's a bore.

HAHA. sigh.


OH, i'm excited for my L?
does that count for anything?
Well....
I'm sixteen.
So...I think I'll go party.
woot. (rolls eyes)

It's what goes hand in hand...

As we grow,
we explore.
As we explore,
we discover.
As we discover,
we become intrigued.
As we become intrigued,
we become determined.
As we become determined,
we become undermined.
As we become undermined,
we learn.
As we learn,
WE LIVE.


From yours truly. LiveLoveLEARN; it's what goes hand in hand.

B.F.S.=Bitterness Failure Syndrome.

It's how I can' t be mad...
and it's how I try so hard...
and it's how I always fail.

THAT'S when I get frustrated...
and the cycle starts over again.

1) You do something I can't STAND. And my heart hardens...
2) ..because I'm out of emotional homeostasis: I get really upset...for maybe half the time it took you to do that "something".
3) Then you melt my heart back to emotional homeostasis (oh, bio...how i have fallen back in love with you)...like hold my hand or send me a "pigeon" note.
4) I CAN'T be mad at you because I want to take your hand...and I want to reply.
THEN I GO BACK TO ONE.

MY DEAR JEEBUZ, it's freaking positive feedback. (hehe, bio.)

What swims through this cranium...

YES,
as a matter of fact,
ladies and gentlemen,

MY THOUGHTS ARE LOVELY...



...because they all revolve around him.

It's what it is.
It's what you see.

Actually, it's more than that...it's what you feel.
Feel it? I do. He does. It's inevitable.

So, you second guessed me...now what?

So, I'll go with my girls...
And I hope you know that in the end
I'll give you the world.
...I'll always be there to hold YOUR hand.
_____________________________________________________

Please tell me...
because I've been wondering...
how is this supposed to be?
Am I doing this right?


Maybe I should stop treating this like it comes with a manual.
Set me free.
I love you.

Let's put this to rest...

...I want what's best for you.
(it's funny because that's what YOU normally say.)

I suggest ...coming clean.

You're a coward.
You hide behind all of these delicate lies that you sing...
are you trying to come clean?

You're so lonely.
Surrounded by people who know you but don't know a thing.
So maybe you should try to come clean.

And every relationship you've ever been in
has fallen apart at the seams
aren't you afraid that you're just singing about love
but you'll never find out what it means?

If you were honest about what the problem is...
I'm sure you'd admit it was you.

Don't tell me you're trying to live up to all that I want you to be.

You're a liar.
You sing pretty things but you never quite say what you mean.
So try to come clean.

Are you sorry?
You should know that you can't take it back...
that you can't change a thing.
Come clean.

And every relationship I've ever been in has fallen apart at the seams
And I'm just afraid that I'm singing about love, but I'll never find out what it means.
And if I had to be honest about what the problem is...I'd have to admit it's me.
I'm just trying to live up to all that you want me to be.

SIGH SIGH SIGH.

What
is
it
you
want?
Where do you want to be?
WHAT do you want to be?


Think about it for a minute.

Now think about this...
that minute of thinking could've had a huge impact on THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Man...so stressed.

so many tests.
all in one week...
...i just might shoot myself.
Oh, waterloo...what I do to be with you.

Out of my MIND and going insane.

I've never been in a situation so deep...
Confused out of my mind--this isn't right.
Wait, please, don't leave.
Just let me explain.
How much I need you both in my life.
So many thoughts have got us twisted...
And I need to get them out of our minds.
I swear...this isn't happening to me.
Because I swear that this isn't reality.

Do we need one more chance?
To prove...to prove...
that you love me?

So look me in my face,
AND JUST TELL ME WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE.


Just understand...
I don't mind one chance.

You're quite the circus...

You've taken this fools' dance a bit too far.
And I must say, you've raised the bar
for other dimwit men to reach.
This insane childishness really must cease.

Your face does resemble a clown,
However, your jokes and tricks make even 3 year olds frown.

It's enough with the games and travesties.
I clearly guessed you incorrectly.

I assumed you'd be a fun act,
However, you proved to be a sad regret.


Your somersaults have made everyone annoyed,
And frankly, I now label this friendship "destroyed."

Tell me you love me...once more...

The hints of goodbye are crushing me,
I cried in the shower so you wouldn't see.
Have you noticed that every word you say...
is like a bullet to my brain?
Have you noticed that with every tear you cry...
my heart stops beating and even fails to try.
It might seem like I can run this parade,
But daddy dear, this smile is just a charade.

To Keep In Mind:

"I work to LIVE...I don't LIVE to work."

Let's STOP in time.

Come here, my love...
and let's sleep until we run out of dreams.

DRAINED

IF love is what keeps the world spinning...
then love me.
LOVE ME until I puke from
being so dizzy;
just don't love me ONLY to keep me busy.
IF love is what keeps the world spinning,
never let me off this ride.
Never keep me waiting on the side.
IF love is what keeps the world spinning...
why do we need anything else?
Why do treat love like an object? How is it OURS to sell?!
IF love is what keeps the world spinning...
vanquish all excess.
Give love ONLY your best.
IF love is what keeps the world spinning...
give and receive.
HAVE FAITH AND BELIEVE.
IF love is what keeps the world spinning...
I'll let you in with open arms.
I'll keep your heart warm...
IF love is what keeps the world spinning...


but it's not. Clearly.
And with this clarity
...I realized that love ISN'T what keeps the world spinning.
Love is the movement within us.

WE are the HATERS.
WE are the DO-ERS.
THE SUICDALS, THE DRUGGIES, THE STAND-BY-ERS.
Excuse my BEP...but WHERE IS THE LOVE in all of this?!
WE ARE LOVE.
WE KEEP THE WORLD SPINNING.
WE KEEP US SANE.
Don't go against what we were made to do.
WE ARE THE LOVERS.
Please...be lovers. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

...in so deep.

It's clearly my curse.
To be so unrealistic...
To think everything can fall in place so easily.
I'm not grasping the effect.
You see the truth in this virgin,
You know the hardships of this soil,
You see the world consumed in sin,
And how this love COULD spoil.

Yet, here I am...hearing (but not listening) what you
t h i n k is our fate,
I listen to my heart...telling me this could work...
Despite the distance...our love COULD operate.

"...me and you BELONG. Racing the earth..."

Where do I go from here? This is how I find out...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. You'll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, & love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. Tell someone what they mean to you & tell someone off. Speak out, dance in the pouring rain. Hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, stay up late, be a flirt, & smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love & most of all, live in the moment because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things fall apart just so other things can fall together. But in the end what’s meant to be will always find its way.

It's How We Were

When you're ready to go back...
back to how it used to be--
then all you have to do is ask.
And I'll take you right back.
You used to smile at me for no reason at all...
had no explanation for the way you were acting.
Now all I get is a smile turned upside down...
it's turned into a frown.
I can't figure it out exactly.
When you're ready to go back...


(P.S. I know I've written this before...just felt like re-posting! It's a good song guys, so gooo and get it :] )

MEMO: PARTY IT UP...for the next 4 weeks. "It's just how we do it, B A B Y G I R L S."
(Stupid volleyball girls gone for my bday...hate you guys...not really...but you know.)

'Hooked On You'-Jazmine Sullivan (My Heart's Mind.)

I guarantee that if you were in my seat...
you'd p i n c h yourself to make sure it's real.

And Good NIght to you too.

"Stars shining bright above you,
Light breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Dream a little dream of me...
Say "Nighty night" and kiss me.
Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be...
dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading...but I linger on dear
...still craving your kiss.

Sweet dreams until sun beams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams...whatever they be...
you've gotta make me a promise...
promise to me...dream a little dream of me."

"Floating petals on the sea" Float your way to him.

My desicion must be made next fall.
This dilemma will be my constant worry.
Yes, I have realized I can't have it all.
My dear, our hearts will rest on seperate seas.

Will I live with a broken heart?
Or a life with my broken dreams?
My destiny with no future...
Can't love always be sewn at the seams?
Love, remember that my heart will always be yours,
No matter where your heart may be.


In the words of Collin Balba (you bum): "...why cut the cord? You don't even know if this patient can overcome his disability...he [could] wake up any time soon."

BIG SIGH x9999999squared.

Ew. Math Term in my name HAHA. (I just had a math test today....so intense in our class room...swear to God.)

SO, I went to VC today to look at the uni. fair. AND. MY. GOD.
I'm pretty confused...but I think talking to Mrs.R about this (and basically thinking out loud) will help me figure things out.
My schools in the order of interest:
1) WATERLOO (I swear this is my vocation.) And I, for some reason, really don't care how far it is away from everyone...I'll miss you guys...but it's WATERLOO.
2) McGill...it's temptation...I mean...so famous. Haha, I'll feel so well-known.
3) UBC...I could be boring and just stick around here...but who wants to do that?! Just kidding. I'd like to stay here..because a) it's home b) most of my support network is here...aka nurses/doctors/people in health sciences c) I'd miss my mom...and her cooking. Sigh.
4) and my last option...which still remains uncertain...is Laurier.

Yeah...you can tell, I want to be away from home. I want to AT LEAST do my bachelor's in the East and then maybe come here for my Master's...or go somewhere else. (I just don't want to be somewhere where I think the same as everyone---by going elsewhere I'll be able to bring some "flavour" of thought.) I'll be able to go to the East and bring a different way of thinking from BC...making me stand-out (a little more) than the average Eastern resident. THEN I'll be able to either come back home...or go somewhere else for my Master's and bring a totally different game there. See?
I've got this....I think.
Just gotta hold on a bit more...and follow that 'gut' feeling.
And follow my heart.
I think I've fallen in "love" with Waterloo.
Bye bye, nest...I'll take my wings elsewhere.

"I know that what we have is worth first place and gold and I'm soaked in your love...and love is right in my path, in my grasp...and me and you BELONG."

Why I haven't blogged anything today:

WELL DURRR, I set up the Christmas tree :) +other decors around the house.
With the help of my one and only, Marvin. Thanks.
So today...was amazing....I did so much!
1) Woke up at 7 (That's when you KNOW it's going to be a productive day.)
2) Went to The Grind (Coffee and Lounge/Art Gallery)...I think I want to buy one of the paintings.
3) Went to Langara to pick up Marvin.
4) Marvin's house and watched Home Videos of him in Kinder....so cute.
5) Went to Burgoo, a new restaraunt on Main. It WAS SO GOOD. TWO WORDS: Brie Fondue!
And I had this thing called..."Irish Stew" and it was heavenly. It was..well, stew--mounted
on garlic mashed potatos; it had lima beans (which I've never had until that moment), peas,
beef, carrots, and potatos...and it was SO GOOD.
6) FINALLY went to the new "Front" Store on Main. And I bought a Sesame Street (Ernie) Yellow Sweater...my goodness, yes...I did fall in love with it. We were meant to be...PERFECT FIT...AND it JUST came in that day. (For those who don't know...Front is a high end (whatever that means) Consignment Store.) And Marvin found a nice purple sweater (originally from H&M) buuuut he's a patient boy and said he'd get it next time. Sigh. I HAD to get mine...so yeah. I now own an Ernie, Yellow...Sesame Street sweater. Can anyone say..."HURRY UP NEXT DRESS DOWN DAY!" ?
7) Went to school for the uniform sale...and seriously...let's think about this. Filipinos (Teens AND parents) + Massive Sale + And not just ANY massive sale...Massive sale for UNIFORMS. I mean...that can only = CHAOS. I swear...everyone just let out their inner animal. Anyways, I ended up buying a sweater for me and one for Katrina because she said she'd pay me back if I found one before she got there. Then I hung out with Ali, Shannon, and Marvin.
We were looking for Jade.
We came up for 2 main theories as to where she could've gone: a) She could've died...(I mean, it was hella crowded in the gym foyer.) or b) She could've been eaten by some filipino mom who wanted the grey pair of sweats Jade was holding. (Funny how "Maybe she could've gone home" didn't even cross our minds.)
So I finally decided to phone her...only to find out she was in the caf. serving cookies...OF COURSE. Then, we went and got cookies...and decided that we should hang out in the Science Wing. So off we went (Shannon, Ali, Marvin, and I) to the stairs leading up to the Science Wing...and we just talked. Then my sister came along and we (Marvin and I) bussed with her home.
8) THEN Marvin and I decided to put up the CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!! I know! I'm excited too! DUH. haha. But it was fun...Michael Buble's "Let It Snow" CD was playing the whole time (Thanks Jess, btw...that was your last year's Christmas present for me!) And then when we were done...after maybe 3 hours...we both got a cup of milk and sat in front of the Christmas tree on my leather sofa. We fell asleep for about an hour...then he went home.
9) So, here I am now...and my dad asked for my Interm Report...I'm so done.
10) Bye guys...forever.

When you're ready...

"...never want to live this way...want you to be by my side. You used to smile at me for no reason at all...had no explanation for the way you were acting...and now all I get is a smile turned upside down..it's turned into a frown. I can't figure it out exactly."
(Oh, PJ Morton...you're still my numero2 love. Sigh.)
-'How We Were', Pj Morton.
Quoting because Wayde the B*tch is being an ass.
(Wayde the B*tch is the name for my writer's block. This is how
delirious he his making me.)

P.S. Wayde is a boy for a reason.

I just might die. (Not really; but a little drama never KILLED anyone.)

Dear Writer's Block,

WILL YOU PLEASE DISINTEGRATE?
I'M BEGGING YOU.

With hate,
A hopelessly frustrated Ella.
"I can't catch my breath...because you take it away.
The best writer in town...wouldn't be able to find the right words to say..."
-Call You Tonight, Johnta Austin

In the wise words of MP..you smartass.

"Missing someone gets easier everyday,
even though it's one day
further from the last day you saw them...
it's one day closer to the
next time you will."


You're a smart cookie. And I love cookies...especially smart ones :)

Thanks, love.

For sleeping with me...
Lying down in bed--with your cheek against mine.
Hmm...looking through Real Estate magazines...
as if we were going to buy our dream pent-house.
Warming up your hands with mine...
because you got so cold waiting for the bus.
(I looked so scrubbed out this morning.)
My hair was a mess.
I had my glasses on.
I hadn't brushed my teeth.
I only had a shirt on.
Hmm....
I love how you didn't care.
Thanks for holding me.
For the kisses.
For the love.
I LOVE YOU

I've said my part...

I said my half.
Now say yours.
Spill your words.
I'd like to know.
Your confessions.
Your wishes.
Your hopes.
Your faults.
Your short-comings.
It's only fair...
or do I have to wait another year?

6/7 it was you.

NO LONGER.
NO MORE.
DONE.
i'm sorry.

OHMYGOODNESS...

...WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M WORRIED...
PLEASE FIND YOUR WAY HOME OKAY
...it's already 8:40!

Hooked on YOU-JS, you've done it once again.

JS...you're freaking genius.

I often find myself caught up in a rapture,
I never thought I'd feel this way...you've got me captured.
I mean, you've got me singing love songs about you.
Not those petty songs, but Marvin Gaye tunes...
What is this that you have on me?
So foreign that I dont' want to be free.
Hold on and never let go.
I'm giving you everything I have just to show that I'm hooked on you.
I wish you knew what you do.
I can't believe how lucky I am to have someone that I'm so into.
Because I love everything about you, specially when you do what you do.
If you only knew how it feels being me.
I guarantee that if you were in my seat,
You'd pinch yourself to see if it was real...
then you would know I can't help how I feel.

Mama said she'd buy me a mockingbird.

Summer arrived on the back of a mockingbird
it sang a sweet melody...
BUT COULDN'T SEEM TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS.
I don't know if you've heard...
but it's all over town, yeah, they're buzzing about it now.

I was singing alone
when the Mockingbird came to me,
perched on my window sill and hummed along quietly.
But before long she was singing along and she said..yeah, she said,
"I've been waiting so long for these words to come out,
It's practically all I've been thinking about. So thank you for finding the words
I couldn't find on my own. Now I'm not alone."

Autumn was on it's way; summer was on it's way out.
The mockingbird told me,
"I change with the seasons."
and so she was leaving town in a few days now.

We said our goodbye's but I secretly wished for more time.
The seasons are merciless.
Then for a while we both stood in silence.
Until she said, "I've been waiting for so long for these words to come out,
It's practically all I've been thinking about. So thank you for finding the words I couldn't find on my own.
NOW I'M NOT ALONE."

-Dear Juliet, Mockingbird.

YOU...

...I LOVE YOU.
That's all.
After that...there's nothing more to say.

STORY TIME, kids.

The castle walls that we once stood upon
that brought us cheek to cheek with the other side (to the stars)
have fallen beneath us.
I sit amongst the rubble for a moment filled with confusion
and decide to get up
to explore the world I've fallen into.
It takes a long while to fix;
to mix and make a fresh batch of cement
-- to build us up once again.

As I stand alone...there you go--
without my hand...
building yourself a pedastel to rise from me
- beneath you.
What is it you wish to withstand?

The commoners laugh at you as you strike a pose.
You might looks fierce but, my dear king,
it will take more than bricks of selfishness & pillars of pride to build your kingdom.
Those walls will crumble.
And in the end your heart remains the coward.
And the smile you now artificially wear will have to be painted and stiched in place
...eventually.

P.S. Purple Suits You.

Our Unmade Bed...

Why do we make our beds?

Do we make them just to ruin them?
Or do we ruin them just to make them?
Tell me...which one is more tedious...
to keep it ruined and never MAKE it?
or to keep it made...and never RUIN it?

So, let's keep this bed un-made...
isn't that always easier?

Dear 'Lo,

With death comes honesty.
SALMAN RUSHDIE, The Satanic Verses

Lying there...
...I wish I told you so much more.
I wish I told you every day how much I loved you.
I wish I told you what you meant to me...
how you took the time to listen to me.
How I KNEW you understood me.
I miss talking to you.
I miss you tickling me.
I miss your kisses on the top of my head.
I miss asking you stories about the "old" days.
I miss your smile. Your laugh.
And I know you're smiling now...


P.S. Do you miss 'La? Because I know she misses you.


-Love,
your "ap"; Ella.


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~From a headstone in Ireland

I am the captain of my soul. I AM.

"Whatever you do, don't let her see you cry
Swallow your words.
Swallow your anger.
Swallow your pride."
-Carolee Dean

"Mr. Masquerade, you're getting good at this charade."
-Sarah Slean

"...not giving up on 'How We Were,' just moving on."

"You, sir, have lost YOUR mind."

You have no control over me.
You have no business in my brain.
You have no key to my heart.
You have no appreciation for my time.
You have no eyes for kindness.
You have nothing.

"No, sir, YOU'VE lost YOUR mind."
But yes, sir, I stand corrected... you do have a few things.
This, sir, is your CHECKLIST before you leave the house:
1) Pride
2) Arrogance
3) Selfishness
4) Greed
5) Ignorance
6) Ego
7) And your black heart (or what's left of it...). You don't want to forget that. In case you ever feel like being kind for once...HAHAHAHA, YEAH RIGHT. I'm just
... too funny.

EMBODYING...well let's just leave him/er ano.

The 2 Stories of One Story.

Don't call me Woman.
Don't call me Lady.
Don't call me Love.
Don't call me Baby.
Don't call me Honey, Sweetie Pie, Darlin',
Sugar or Mufin Ball.
Do me a favor...
...don't call me at all.


I'm not your pet, your child, your kitten.
I'm not impressed.
I am not smitten.
If you say I fight like a girl,
I will rearrange your world.

Don't give me flowers.
Don't give me grief.
Tell me you're leaving.

Give me relief.

________________________________________________
So why do I cry
When I see you go?
They ask me why?
I just don't know.
It's goodbye,
adios,
ciao,
adieu,
I needed a friend.
It could have been you.

MY BACK HURTS.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

The 4 walls that make my room...

I watched the paint climbing up the wall...
grey and silver stripes...consuming the bland white.
Neck and neck...they race...inching forward every second.
Their hearts compose a piece of wonder...a rhythmic passion...

And then they halt.
Realizing the pointless-ness in all of this.
Why sprint?
Why not meander?
Why not enjoy the scenery?
Why follow this set path?
I watch you following the track in circles...
it amuses me...do you not realize the whole world around you?
Do you not realize your potential?
Turn yourself inside out...
Spit out that heart...and throw it...JUST CHUCK IT AT THE WORLD.
Mother told me this is how you become a woman...
"...be accepting..."
...so here I am now...arms open.

"Seven things I LOVE about you"

SHAINE ARANDIA!!

Hearts and kisses, boo. Love ya! (L)

Why I love him:

1. He's sexy

2. He's funny

3. He makes me happy

4. We understand each other

5. We're always there for each other

6. He makes my heart melt every time I see him

7. He's great in bed and fulfils my needs!

Love,

Ella "the Motherfucking" Hipolito!

SUCKER!! LOVE YOU!!!-SA

EDIT: HAHA OMG SHAINE, YOU LITTLE HACKER! HAHAHAHA. FRICK. but half of it is true...#1-6. HAHA, dork.

"Time to take out the trash."

"I wish I could rip out a page of my memory because I put in too much energry...
can't wait till I get through this phase because it's killing me.
Too bad we can't re-write our own history.
Such a mystery.
Chances fading now.
Patience running out.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
This [is] taking all of my energy.
Seems like only yesterday...
Not even gravity could take your feet off the ground when you were with me...
There's no use hiding from those memories.
PATIENCE RUNNING OUT.
How did we reverse the chemistry?
Now I can feel a change in me...
and I can't afford to slip much further from the person
I was meant to be. Not giving up...just moving on. Before this gets too deep...because you're taking all of my energy. I don't want us to be the enemy.
Killing me.
It's just taking all of my energy."

So...time to sleep...sleep you away. I'm done.

BITTERSWEET

Deep words falling out of your teeth...

...they're eating me up.
Consuming me.
I'm trapped.
I'm down here...and can't find my way up.
With this love gone sour...yes, I've lost my appetite.
"Fix this somehow..."I keep telling myself.
"Fix it...somehow...somehow...you can do this..."
I'M SO FRUSTRATED.
You words...they rot my teeth...(I can see yours are black.)

There's no more flavour.
Your words have gone bitter...
Once before...I remember...they WERE sweet...too sweet...

"HEY CASANOVA...IT'S OVER."

my heart is beating so fast...i'm certain it's unhealthy.

I know I'd be a bad driver...

...because despite all of the stop signs...I accelerate forward.
...my eyes REFUSE to see the red.
I'm so hesitant...
unsure of where to turn...
I constantly accelerate and brake...
...accelerate...and brake...accelerate...brake...accelerate..braaaaaaake.

You know...I almost hit you.
I almost collided with your world.
Your blue blue blue world.



I've opened your [blank]...and exited it all at once...without a single word.

I'll need you...just until the end of time.

You've got me paranoid.
"Don't be so paranoid."
They whisper to me...life has been dead.
Life is stirring now.
Grasp it.
BREATHE.
You've showed me......this is how it will be forever.
And I CAN FINALLY breathe...waking up to your breath
kissing my neck every morning.

I WANT TO DANCE.

I'm in heaven...I can hardly speak. Listen to my heart.
It'll do the talking. It'll keep time. One, ba duh, Two ba duh, Three ba duh.

I want to dance where laughter is every day talk.
I want to dance when the world stops turning.
I want to dance umbrella in hand, despite the clear skies.
I want to dance like a three year old does...so care-free and reckless...

unaware of the watching eyes...numb to the observers.
I want to dance with you. Let's dance cheek to cheek. Hand in hand.

Away with all embaressment.
My only reason for these blushing cheeks is that YOU'RE the one holding my hand...
and I am more than honoured.
I'm in love with you.
Let's dance.

YOU're so quiet

Friend, let's switch dreams...
I yearn to know your thoughts.
Let me pick at your brain.

Start with a hello...that so familiar and sadly unapproachable, "Hello."

They say...

So you want a heart?

You don't know how lucky you are not to have one.
Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.
And you set up all sorts of standards for yourself...to be this way and that and what not.
You fix yourself some sticks and strings...you realize you're doing the waltzing.
"Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best."
One, two step. One, two step. One, two turn.
It takes 2 to understand...takes one side to yearn and one to earn.
I've reasoned that it's love that keeps my heart beating for you...
It's love.
You're love.
That everything I do is for you...and you always come short of believing me.
What must I do?
Anyways, I've reasoned to never give-up and to never give-in.
And, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.

I've come to many realizations of our world...of what I could make of it...
And there is a lot to make out of it.
"Actions speak louder than words but not nearly as often. "

Encounters and Us.

When it comes down to it...
...I only see you and me.

No one else.
(And yes, I know you're going to read this...

and yes, it's for you, love.)

On the side: Dear Jessica,
I thought of you when I saw these pictures that my friends in New York were sending around.
They're pictures of signs that are hung up in the skytrain stations...
you'll understand eventually...here we go:

MCH&T Numero 1.

=My Current Happenings & Thoughts (something new) :

Listening to: Bella's Lullaby...and my goodness...I think I'd like this to be played at my wedding...swear to God. It's gorgeous! (I was moved...almost cried. Seriously.)

Thinking about: My plans for tomorrow. And NOW I'm thinking that I've been doing that a lot...I have to remind myself to place myself in the now...MENTAL NOTE. (not technically..but whatever)

Whereabouts: Sitting at the dinner room table wrapped in a tinkerbell blanket.

Pulling : an "Ali" with all my nails painted black except one. HAHA.

Sigh.

I've learned a lot of things this week.
1) How much attitude I can have.
2) How much pride I can have
3) And that I can actually contain it...
4) And that I worry too much...I have to let loose and not think that that is that. Things CAN be fixed.

Ella got one of those hair splinters today...

...and didn't shed one tear
...even though it took a blow to her brain.
(And is currently suffering from a headache. It's all good.)

This one's for you...
and it's called OUR RESPECTED CORNERS: THE 2 OF OUR WORLD:

So crawl down to the south,
And I'll move onwards to the north.
We both know that it has worked previously...
meeting at the equator, that is.

We HAVE BEEN cooperative...at times.
Though rambunctious and searing...we've survived.
But not this time.
So turn to your corner of the world...
...and I'll turn to mine.

Though on opposite sides...
we still work together to move this world into an orbit.
Do you realize...
...that though we never meet, we still have the same objective?
The same goal.
To never communicate. To never come eye to eye...or HEART TO HEART. Like we always did before. We're still working together. DOESN'T THAT JUST FRUSTRATE YOU?

I got a hair splinter...in my heart. And let me tell you, I didn't [want to] even notice.

DIFFERENT FACES.

Different Faces. Different Places.

I read that on a poster in Social Studies 11 Class today whilst sitting beside Marvin (Soriano, not Gorospe.) and i know, I was supposed to be reading his speech but the poster kinda really caught my attention. (I'm sorry Marvin if you ever end up reading this.)

The complete phrase was="We are one people. Different Faces. Different Places. But we are still one."

It hit me...Different Faces. Different Places.
Our face is defined by our place.
The place shapes who we are...where we come from is home. HOME SHAPES US.
Home is our first play pen, our first downfall (tripping down the stairs, maybe), our first dinner, our first good cry in bed as we're falling asleep....
What we do with those memories and what we take from them shape our destiny...
If we played rough...we'll play rough...with HEARTS, with LOVE, with FAITH.
If we fall down...how do we pick ourselves up? Or do we continue rolling down the stairs?
If we ate as a family...treasured the moment and always left the head of the table empty...for him...even if he's not home. Will we treat men with respect? Or will we be proud? As we're saying grace...will we be keeping in mind the safety of that special man as he ventures into a world of hate and lies? We must NOT think that we can live without them. We can't.
NEVER SAY "I'M DONE WITH MEN." Because you're not.
He might've lied to you...but don't go lying to yourself.

If we cried when we fell asleep...did we hope to dream better dreams...or to wake up to the sun and a smile on our face? Will we be expecting the world to embrace us? To encapture us? To inspire? Will we allow ourselves to be captivated? Will we cry and forget? Or cry...and linger in misery?

WE MUST MOVE ON. WE MUST LEARN. WE MUST BE CAPTIVATED.

JS...YOU are my HEART'S MIND.

I'm gon' bust the windows out your car,
And no, it won't mend my broken heart.
I'll probably get some ugly scars,
But right now I don't care about that part.

I didn't wanna but I took my turn,
I'm glad I did it cause you had to LEARN.

I must admit it'll help a LITTLE BIT,
To think of how you'd feel when you saw it,
I don't know if I'll have that much strength,
BUT I'LL BE GLAD THAT YOU'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

You can't just play with people's feelings,
Tell them you love them and don't mean it.
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile

I'll bust the windows of your car,
You'll know I did it cause I'll leave my mark,
I'll write my initials with the crow bar
And then I'll drive off into the dark

You should feel lucky that that's all I'll do
After all these years of this bullshit
Gave you all of their hearts and you played with 'em.

YOU COULD NEVER FELT THE WAY THEY DID,
UNTIL IT HAPPENS BABY YOU DON'T KNOW PAIN.

After what you did...you deserve this...I won't be sorry.
You should be.

You caused me pain, so baby, I'll do the same.

Even though what you did was much worse,
I'll have to do something to make you hurt.

NOW WATCH US RULE.

The reason for tears is always UNSEEN and always ASSUMED.

...he saw the pain that would eventually seek me. He saw the hand descending upon me attempting to wrangle my heart out of its place. To stop it from beating. To keep it bleeding.
And, as if it was a band-aid...a simple cure, he handed me a music box.
"Careful, darling, it's quite fragile," his face was beaming and hopeful.
"Yes, papa." I said, and held out my two hands that were equivalent to his one hand---firm, strong, and selectively vulnerable. He placed it into my sweating palms.
"Isn't it just something?"
And he was right; I couldn't take my eyes off it.
It was constructed of glass and, as I released the knob, I focused on the turning wheels and teeth. Its' song was heavenly, sweet, and light. I smiled.
But what was even more delightful was the child and father waltzing, I imagined, in a ballroom with a wood floor. The child was looking up to her dad, in mid-spin, adorned in a white dress with gold trimming. The father was glowing in pride dressed in a white suit and a navy blue tie.
With the music, and painted smiles...they danced.
I became obsessed with this trinket for days that seemed like only hours.
I played its' song repeatedly until I had memorized every note.
It seemed such a fragile thing...not because of its' glass encasing, but rather...the situation in which the maker had crafted it in. A cheerful moment that could be broken in an instant.
They danced their way into my dreams for weeks.
The song was like air to my ears...it was vital.
I lay on my bed, one evening, stomach-down, staring at the dancing couple.
"Ella!" my mom called as I was humming along with the tune.
"Yes?" I called back.
"DINNER!" she exclaimed.

With the music box in hand, I ran to the kitchen.
I placed the music box on the table and waited for my plate.
I could smell the potatos and roast beef basking in spices and my mouth watered at once.
Then mom set the plate on the kitchen table, took a glance at me, and kissed me lightly on the cheek.

"Thank-you." I said and grabbed my fork.
She sat beside me, not eating...and her gaze fell on the music box.
She seemed alarmed and distracted.
Something had set her off. "Uhm...honey...could you please take your toy into your room? It doesn't belong on the dinner table."
With a mouth full of half chewed potatos, I replied, "Yesh, mom."
"Thanks..." she said softly...in a damaged tone.

I started the journey to my room with the music box loosely in my hand whilst chewing. The dance to my room was composed of a left from the kitchen into the dinning room, a few steps forward straight through, and a right into the hallway. I glanced at the music box and concentrated on the cheery father and daughter, just to make sure they were still in my hand---still in my control.

I was so consumed in my concern that I didn't notice the glass display stationed firmly in the middle of our grand hallway. Colliding into it, I lost grip of the music box.
No one was there to catch me...falling due to this spin. This twirl of misery.
On the verge of tears, my knees collapsed, and I fell to the hard wood floor. I gasped.
My fingers fumbled with confusion. I panicked.
They needed help. They needed to be fixed.
Miraculously, the father and daughter figures survived. However, there was a chip at the corner of the glass encasing. I was somewhat relieved that, that was all the damage.

Troubled at the thought that I could drop the music box again, I placed it on my bookcase where it would only be touched once a night.
Every night I would fall asleep to its' lullaby.

The glass caught dust but the music was always certain never to be obscured...it always knew its' purpose.

And this was what distracted me from the absence of my father...
what entranced me so much to not see the bags daddy carried on his back when he handed me the music box.
Then again, I'd rather not know...I'd rather not remember.

My eyes never knew tears. My ears only ever heard sweet songs. And the hand lingered...over my chest...waiting.


(So, this is an idea for a short-story I am writing...this is basically the gist of it. But it'll have hints about what the problem was between the mom and dad...and more description. And more things about the daughter. But...the point is...Once something of value breaks...you don't want to touch it again.)

childish fantasies.

I climbed the ladder of my bunk bed carelessly and slipped under the covers.
My toes and fingertips felt like icicles and my hair was still dripping.
The pillow caught my head. And the bed entrapped me.
I reached for you around my neck.
My night-light guided my eyes. I studied your noose.

My mother said, "Here honey, take care of it."
And in the distance, typing away, I heard my 13 year old cousin say, "Only a fool makes that gold, you know, Ella-laure?"
Then mom shut him up and told him, "It's meant for my princess, Ryan."
(At least...that's how I remember the conversation.)

What the noose held was magnificent. You were stunning.
So valuable. How is it you ended up there? Was this your destiny?
Or do we drive our own fate?
It was a beautiful snare you tied around your neck.

My eyes were growing tired. I dug under the marked X and I was surprised at my findings.
You had turned a silver colour. Fool's gold. That's what he said. Fool's gold.
You tricked me.


I hope you guys can understand this...it's honestly soaked in symbols. If you know what's been going on. You know the story. Hope you could make SOME sense of it :)

lesson learned.

SO, I was taking care of my baby cousin, Carlos.
And we have this game where I sit him down onto the
surface of our living room table. Then he stares at me.
And as if testing my trust, he jumps off....expecting me to catch him.
Once he's in my arms, I spin him around a couple times...and just look at his smile.
and listen to his laugh.


It's always perfect when someone catches you. It's always bliss.
It's...comforting to know that you can jump
whenever you want to be taken for a spin...
whenever you want to be cheered up....just jump
and hope he'll catch you.

...trickle me silly.

"You make me sound terrible."
"I can't make you sound anything...I never could."

Rinse me clean...in this room of emptiness.
I am made anew...
in soul,
of heart,
of brain,
in love.
Bask me in kisses.
Softly caress my cheek with your lips.
New.
I've been made new in your love.
In your heart...let me rest.

...sitting on your lap tell me stories of WW2. Yes, I miss you.

So, I was going through old pictures because I'm making a powerpoint for my uncle's 50th birthday and I came upon you, grandpa. I miss you...I don't think anyone understands, mostly because no one knows how we were...what we were...best friends and such. We understood each other. And that picture of you....so happy...singing happy birthday in front of a cake and (obviously in the moment) clapping your hands. Your smile. Your eyes. Your hair that I used to stroke my fingers with. And the hands that I used to trace with my little pre-matured fingers. I miss you. I miss it.
The moment I tried to forget...you reminded me...to remember and never forget the good times.

"You had my heart, at least for the most part
because everbody's gotta die sometimes
we fell apart, don't worry, for you...I'll make a new start
because everybody's gotta die sometime, yeahh..
but you told me "Don't cry."

...play on, my orchestra.

(I CAN'T SLEEP! and I HAVE WORK TMR...i'm done.)

With every breath
he creates serenity with a ballad.
With every step
he takes, the world will motion onwards.
With every touch,
he strokes hatred into affection.
With every word,
speech acquires a higher significance.

So, love,
help me breathe. Breathe me rose petals on the floor. THROW me into your music.
help me move. Take my hand...DIRECT ME FORWARD...away from my memories.
help me touch. My heart bleeds black...paint me a canvas with TRUE PIERCING RED BLOOD.
help me speak. Help me say those three words. I want you to know...that I do lov...

A discovered post-it...

You CLEARLY don't understand,
Those weren't just the tears of some lame marching band.
My harp did its' sweet doings,
My symbols did their arguing,
My sax soulfully painted its' blue and purple hues,
My violin cried it's mournful ever-lasting tunes.
I hope you know now.
It's not that simple.
It's the one step further.
It's us moving forward>>>
Not back<<<
*A NOTE FROM MY ORCHESTRA*

Bust it.

"I busted the windows of your car
...and no, it didn't mend my broken heart..."

Honey, that's not your size.

I hope you understand, dear, that's a size too big.
Shoot for something smaller, why don't you?
You're no where near the bulls-eye.
It seems like you're wondering aimlessly.
These dresses are meant for those who rise above.
And you don't, hun', i'm sorry--
you ...just don't cut it.
You blend in...and we want neon...
you're, i'm afraid, a pastel green.
You go unnoticed.
You're nothing.
Scum.
Dirt.
Beyond dirt. Oh! There you go, associate with them.
You do excel at one thing, now that I think about it.

You're outstanding at being that...dirt...or whatever is below.
Have fun, enjoy.
And DON'T try to make your way up the ladder...that leans against our castle.


It seems that people enjoy convincing others that they're not worth it; that they don't belong in the BIG PICTURE.
But I do. And you do too. Understand that. Breathe it. Live it. You've already been entered into this competition.
It's called life...and you have no choice but to live it. Cross that out...Step 1: Live life. Done.

A real man, with a good heart...he's more than enough.

Wow, excuse me...sir, I don't mean to be staring.
But you're looking amazing.
And my senses are just blazing.
Can't you feel that?
My heart is racing!
I don't think you can even comprehend.
I'll never want this to end...

I'll break your heart someday; but leaving you is the last thing on my mind...

He thinks I can't see...
He's somewhat true.
Hardly, actually.
I CAN see...
I CAN see the NOTHING.
the NOTHING plastered on his face where there should be something.
Or if nothing on your face, at least say SOMETHING.
SOMETHING REAL...
and SAYING "Nothing" doesn't count.
Just letting you know.
And no, I'm not being a hypocrite.

I'm the sidewalk you always trip on..that always catches your fall.

This works.
It fits.
...I can do this. With him. A life with him? Yeah, I can. He's my home. Not only does the occupant know the home. The home knows the occupant. And in this way...people who come in...feel the love. I know why my parents like him too. It's because they feel it. I KNOW they do. He asked me today if I could do another month and 3 days without him. I didn't know what to say. I did...I did put on a facade that last month. I preferred to play it COOL...not REAL. I suffered. It was agony beyond agony. It was a pain like no other. I just didn't let him know that. I guess that's just me. It's my pride getting in the way.
I didn't want him to know how inadequate I felt without his hand in mine--how empty I felt without his shoulder to sleep on, on the bus going to school or how silent I realized it was without the ringing of his call or the sound of his step in line with mine. I felt beyond uncomfortable.
I felt lonely. I didn't tell him that.
I didn't tell anyone that.
I know this is extremely "old-school."
But...I don't want to look like the "girl who can't stand on her own 2 feet without a boyfriend."
I am independent. I am. I can go without a significant other.

I just can't go without HIM.
Even as my best (to me anyways, he didn't think he was) friend...I'd still feel this emptiness. Even if we weren't "together" I'd feel so apart. My saturday mornings wouldn't be complete without his phone calls early in the morning that consist of eating breakfast, watching SYTYCD and talking like we think we can dance. (Excuse the play on words.) My wednesday mornings wouldn't be complete without our shared hot chocolates from Liberty. And my sleep wouldn't be at all satisfying...because I'd wake up realizing he wasn't the last person I talked to...or the first voice I'd hear in the morning.
I want to wake up to his face in the morning. I want to feel his breath stroking my hair when he holds me. I want to KNOW he's there...to phone...to talk to...to bus to...

Dreaming about him...is amazing, don't get me wrong...however...
The pain...the sudden jolt of reality comes when I wake up and realize...it wasn't real.
And I'd start to count down the days...

...took one shot to your heart without breaking your skin.

zip-up honey...it's getting cold. (btw, summer...please come back to me)

Let's place a lock on this lock and throw away the key! Take me away with you; anywhere you want. I'll never seperate from you. Can't you see we're made for each other? We fit perfectly! Like the two strands of a zipper. I won't ever want to un-zip from you.
Just take me somewhere...take me somewhere with you...and only you.
Away from all these distractions. No one understands. I need you to be with me.
I'm greedy at times...NO, all the time. You might not know this...but secretly, I'd rather you were with me alone. Did you know your songs fill my head at night...and rock me to sleep.
Did you know when I wake up, I hallucinate enough to believe you're beside me...asleep...holding my hand. Isn't that just perfect? Until I realize...that you were never there to begin with.
Then I think about how I know you'd WANT to be there...and that makes me somewhat better.
You know your lips are just...paradise...no--heaven....

...no...no...no.
Better.
They're...more than better.
They're...better-est-er.
Just kiss me.

...now.

I think you've officially removed all sanity.

...and she writes.

Can't you see I'm trying?
Scrapes and these rug-burns at my knees.
With blood under every fingernail.
I'm BEGGING YOU, please. (Oh, please.)

You lift my chin with your [mmm] seductive hand,
And your touch was anything but dainty;

...an overflowing romance.
...The passion was inspiring,
You launched this cannon ball splendidly, I must say.

And your eyes, they set the perfect scenery...
...they made me believe.
...and made me fall.
...Boy, with one sway...you made my heart dance.
WE HAD IT ALL.

You & I were like
a dandelion in the wind
a bird in its nest
or a kite in the sky
becausethe result of our collide was
...pure beauty.

It's such a waste...we had tasteful ambitions.
To throw them away...now, that's just disappointing.

So here I am...alone.
A writer denied,

...so, please, open my eyes.

Defined Emptiness

Like the hollowness of a straw-I serve a purpose. You tend to suck the passion out of me. The care. The patience. I've been taken advantage of. I realized that I am afterall, defined; established clearly only by my surroundings. You see what encases me and yet you are blind to what I am. You believe it is inanity, concealment; ...a sort of seclusion. I've attained such judgment before. However, none like yours has scarred me so. I have taken to your laughter, your lips, your words of prayer and song. They fill my vessel. If I am the emptiness of the straw--you are my encasing--you are what defines me.

Love, all I need is you.

You make me want to hurl...

I'm sick-blue in the face
With the lies you fed.
I've been run down and let down
and presently,
...on this street...I'm lying down
where you have abandoned me.
I can feel it's rough surface,
chisling away at my face, my lips...my heart.
I think I'm allergic to your counterfeit;
Your facade has made my throat swell...
And no longer can I breathe at the sight of you.
You've taken away my once existing knowledge
and now I'm no longer certain.
You've strained my heart of all its' blood,
It's turned a deep purple...
A purple heart;
to show the world the damage I undertook in this battle.
You see my skin is grey because
My soul has disintegrated.
You took what I knew was life, love, and trust.

It's called the past because I'm getting past...

I awoke with a cringe.

I shuddered at the thought of the sun...the blinding...
too hopeful sun. (He's normally my let-down.)

He whispered me my morning song.
Reluctantly, I surrendered my hand to the slice of the cool air.
I pulled down the sheets exposing my neck... I felt naked.
My ears have never heard this sound before.
A sound so piercing. So full of mystery. Silence.

My eyes still faced the darkness,
I knew it was time to turn,
And turn I did.
His answer: a slap in the face.

Extending my arms...my fingertips kissed the clouds.
My eyes shut for a moment only to return....

return to the shadows.
Wishing I hadn't faced his black curtain,
I revealed myself to the light...the world...
And I knew that I would never surrender my cheek again.

My dreams pointed onwards
and I knew that the darkness would be no more.
I sensibly got past my bed and dove head-first into the world...
mid-dive...with his songs rushing past my body...I prayed to myself...
...hoping to slip immediately past the waters' boundaries...of hate, masks, bees and clowns.