I can't stand people who can't come up with their own shit and take the credit for yours...

biters.

"ella, you MUST be practical"

But tell me this... since when was dreaming just practical?

Waterfall.

My words flow,

like a waterfall

out of my mind's walls

and lash through my soul.

My words flow,

like a waterfall

to the point where I can recall

every single line, word and share it with y'all.

My words grew with me,

from when I crawled, when I was small... and well, still small.

My words shared love, hate, and everything in between,

I try to keep my words clean,

& like jack's bean,

I plant my words,

and keen, hope for

something magical,

like a waterfall

all-natural

from heaven's mall,

a God-given

gift

and I thank him

for keeping me adrift

in a world where

money is of quintessence

and heart is never the essence.

What do you do with a gift that's useless?

One that'll never get acceptance

One of love, hope, and dreams.

What do you do when you're a waterfall... and they want you to be a stream?

People who have heard about my ugly morning today know what I'm talking about.

Hey, this fire is burning our souls.

I NEED TO BUY STUDS AND BEADS AND STUFF.

The inner creative me is beckoning.

Things I have accomplished while sick:

-Sent a total of 171 text messages in 2 days; a quarter of them to people (most of whom asked) about my absence from school/work/Joyce's party

-Watched a total of 8 online movies which is 20+ hours of being on my laptop in bed

These movies include:

The blindside (1 1/2 times)

She's out of my league

Pride and Prejudice

Atonement

Persuasion (Yeah, I went on a Jane Austen marathon, deal with it.)

The Bounty Hunter

How to Train Your Dragon (Twice)

Tooth Fairy (Just because. And the fact that he reminds me of Marvin's dad...don't ask.)

-Ate five different kinds of liquid-y meals (because my throat hurts and I can't swallow... yeah, yeah, yeah start the "That's what she said" jokes...real mature, guys) : beef pho, udon, chicken noodle, some filipino soup, and really soup-y oatmeal.

-Have gone through 204 tissues (1 1/2 no name boxes of hypoallergenic facial tissues)

-Lost my voice.... and somehow managed to skype with Belle for two hours without saying a word. And I still actually genuinely enjoyed the conversation. Did not enjoy the content of the conversation... just enjoyed the fact that we did that. I typed my responses. She dealt with talking to a person who can't talk back. And she also dealt with talking to a person who looks like shit.

& plenty more things that I just can't remember at the moment.

Add to the to-do list: FIND A TISSUE BOX THAT CAN ENTERTAIN ME WHILST SICK

kinda cute

how cute... but freaky

there are awards for these things?

how ironic...

wouldn't I be the coolest kid on the block?

Totes.

I was totes born in the wrong era.

Imma be chillin with my mutha mutha crew.

Imma be has been my work-out song lately. And I don't normally listen to main-stream, so it's kinda absurd to me.

In other neeeeews, today is my two year anniversary avec my bumble bee, Marvin Gorospe. It's been an interesting two years... and time goes by sooo fast! It honestly feels like yesterday that you kissed me in the rain on my front porch. Corny right? But that's how it happened. Hahaha, so movie-esque. But corny, movie-esque for sure. We're not seeing each other today because he has a school project to finish annnd I completely understand now. Before, I will admit, I was kinda difficult about it and he could tell. He dropped off some roses in my locker this morning before I got to school. (As you can see in my robo.to!) And there was a card that had a sad bull dog on the front of it and on the inside it said, "are you still mad at me?" Like, seriously? He gets it. He knows it's our anniversary and all... but he put me and my feelings first in this situation. One of the reasons I love him. (Obvs, he added some more stuff in there... but I might make the non-romantics puke, so I won't say what was in there.)

Other than my love life... grad life is kiiiilller. Definitely robbing me! Everything is adding up now and wow, never thought grad would cost me this much. Well, it isn't costing me as much as some people because not all of it is coming out of my pocket. Buuuut here's what my finances have been looking like lately:

-$250 for SFU

-$41 for Limo + $5 for Photographer

-$60 for Hair & Make-up (But I just found out that my aunt is paying for it as my grad present.)

- $300 was the cost of my dress but my other aunt is paying for that as my grad present as well

-$360 for dinner and dance people at my table but this is coming out of my parent's wallets

- $100 for birthday presents this month

-$50 for grad shoes & accessories (which my other other aunt MIGHT buy for me as well)

-$100 for dress alterations

Looking back on it now... my aunts rock. Hahaha.

What else is there? So since my hypoglycemia problem... I've been packing on the glucose but I went vegetarian for Lent. I thought it'd even out but now I went from a size 1 in jeans to a 00. I have no idea how... because it's not like I ate less. I just didn't eat meat. And I haven't been working out either. But I'm pretty mad because now all one dozen pairs of jeans don't fit me anymore! I had to go out and buy 2 pairs. Sigh.

And now... not ONLY do I have to get my grad cruise dress and grad dinner dress hemmed.... I have to get them taken IN! I hate this.

Good news though... IT'S SUUUUUNNY NOW! Yay!

PROMPT: "There was something incredibly moving about witnessing the person you love interact with their whole family. The project of determining similar features, the language they have for things, turns of phrase. Things you thought were only theirs turned out to be derived from generations of relatives sharing movement and intonation.” —Zoe Whittall, Holding Still For As Long As Possible

The wind plunged into the night blue silk,

sending ripple chasing after ripple,

each wave owned their own song...,

a song from their fathers,

but reshaped in their own.

Molded in experience

and love.

Preserved.

The silver notes praise the

eminent beginning that pulled the waves,

tossing each one over,

overlapping one another and swallowing them,

smaller and smaller,

but yet, still there.

Still moving

from the horizon to

the golden earth,

the beach's sands.

Pulling with them a trail,

trails of smiles familiar,

of smells, and

gestures

known only

to those who witness

the sea

and her movements.

The waves gather still,

Falling and rolling,

onwards until

they find a pair of feet...

...to kiss.

Accomplishing it all. With them, class of 2010.

Because Vanessa asked me to. I'm updating my blog!!!

A co-worker of mine always tells me to update my blog because she likes reading it... and I always feel so special when she says that! What writer doesn't want to hear that?

Anyway, I haven't really been updating much because I've been so swamped with school and grad and stuff like that. It's all so dizzy-making. I can't believe this is it. My five years of high school are reaching an end! But let's not dramatize anything yet... save that for university graduation haha.

Today was probably the most swamped I've been with school. First block, I had a History test. Second block, I had 2 Physics booklets due and a lab due too! And I was so HUNGRY in Physics class! I could've sworn it was lunch too.

Then, I had a math test after that. And it was okay... there was just one question I was kinda stuck on... but it was one of those ones that had multiple questions with multiple answers therefore costing me multiple marks. (Those ones that go #1 a, b, c, d...etc.) And then I FINALLY HAD LUNCH. I shared with Shannon :) because that's what pals do haha.

Then, I went to AP English, where I had some downtime with Jess N. watching Persuasion. Which, btw, is the most "oh-shit-can't-believe-he-just-did-that" type movie. It was really interesting. We got as far as chapter 6 I believe, and then we had a grad meeting. We just went over the itinerary for grad and then we voted for valedictorian. I'm so excited for all of this! My heart was racing throughout the whole meeting! I'm so excited to be graduating. And not just graduating...but to be graduating with THIS class. I know everyone probably says this, but I was HELLA lucky to be born in this year with the 92's. I don't think I would've fit in anywhere else. There's just enough of every type of personality in our class. I love how comfortable I can be with each and everyone of them. And how accepting they are too... I can sit at any table and talk about anything and genuinely enjoy their company. It's something about our year.

It's interesting how such a mix of people can get along. And like Mr. D said at our Honours Assembly... there really is something about our year that just exudes an aura of not just leadership... but friendship. I can actually believe that.

No matter how many sharp turns our class has taken, we always seem to recover and make the most of it in the end.

And even though we won't share the same path after graduation.. it makes me happy to know that we did at one point. And it makes me even happier to know that because of this history... our paths just might cross again sometime in the future.

This is it. Not the end of it. But the beginning of another amazing journey...

I've been looking up at 'em stars...

...in the sky. Just searching.

Last week I had everything down. I was so sure.

And I know that you can't ALWAYS be so sure. And that the average Canadian changes their career at least 5 times in a lifetime. But seriously... I was so sure yesterday and I'm so LOST today. How can that happen?

I fall asleep smiling and wake up confused.

What happened in my sleep?! I'd like to know. I blame the crap ass weather.

If I didn't open my window last night.

Then, I wouldn't have fallen asleep to the sound of thunder and rain.

I could've played "These are the days-Choclair" and I could've fallen asleep to that.

And maybe I would've woken up with warm sunshiny feelings.

And maybe I would've been just as sure today. And maybe it would've been more of a gradual transition into confusion; instead of such a steep decline from the clouds.

But that doesn't even matter does it? The "would've's" "could've's" and "did's" .... those don't even matter. It's the "should's" that matter now.

What should I do?

With all the madness in the world, I'm chillin and feelin' fine.

I'm buildin these instumentals, and kill them with brilliant rhymes.

It's hard to get ahead cuz we live in resiliant times:

where chill work is sellin knives, we got to be buildin minds

Oh, Ms. Serious, I guess I'll always feel inclined

Surround myself, only workin with the realist kind

I'm feelin great, this beat reminds me of a s u m m e r breeze

And I know my wrongs and the rights.

Do everything to get the best of this life.

And Imma take it one day at a time.

And keep striving always to survive.

Because the lessons that I learned at home

My momma told me, "Baby hold your own."

And I appreciate the love you gave because it taught me how to walk this way,

talk this way, never be afraid.

I am in ♥ with Canadian hip-hop!

I'm dancing up in the sunshiiiiine.

enjoy ya' self

So when the beat drops we hop on the floor,

& when the beat stops we start bangin' the wall...

Moving on. Moving in.

Moooooving in!!! Set looks AMAZING!

Took the pic off of Belle's BB.

I'm in a completely indescribable place of bliss.

It might even be love.

Peep the fuze drinks and the chandelier haha

You're the one who they came to see.

♥

On & On

The man that knows something
Knows that he knows nothing at all
Does it seem colder in yo summer time
And hotter in yo fall
If we were made in His image
Then call us by our names
Most intellects do not Believe in God
But they fear us just the same.

Oh on & on... my 'cipher keeps movin' like a rollin' stone...

My red-skinned aster.

blooming constantly aspired to

winters that could

wan my red-mark'd stem

and i alone, endured the

howling death of friends

friends and lovers

who once were mine

and hushed fragile

tragically declined

to every weighty winter

with no hope of

a silken spring

and looked on me

as i softly sighed

a prayer to last me

through the desert season

till the months when

twilight consumes day

i touched their green

and hoped

where hearts did lusty dream

(i find)

of petals

petals

so sanctified

petals that will be mine

i looked to

the stalks

and dreamt of a death

where

strong blood melted

on porcelain skin

and i

instilled in mine life

with words that whistled,

words

beyond mankind.

beautiful imitations. worthy? idk.

Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter.

Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn.

Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart.

Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore.

Paula Patton as Billie Holiday.

America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta.

Alicia Keys as Michelle Obama.

ribbon on the finger

want you in my world

last time i saw you boy

it was a warm and sunny day

all I know is i wanted you

i really hoped you looked my way

you smiled at me so long and sweeeeeet

i couldn't speak

you make me feel like a little bitty girl

what do you do to me?

LIFE ACCORDING TO ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Alice seriously hits the nail on the head when she says: "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"

Cuz that's how my life would've been before XXXI.

Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.

-The Duchess

CRUNCH TIME, BAAAAAAABY!!!

"So much to do. SO little time."

I've been hearing people saying this ALL day! Down the halls, in the chapel, on the bus... everywhere. And it's true for me too. This week is crunch time.

Report cards are around the corner. Gotta ace every test if I wanna keep my gpa at 4.0.

Play is around the corner. Gotta get the promo down. Gotta get the photo-shoot down.We gotta get every sfx down and gotta update the scripts so that the exact movement of every character is jotted down. Gotta memorize my schedules so that nothing gets messed up. It's time to keep time under the wing. But I'm not stressin'. I know I've got it down. I know we've got it down... the cast, the crew, the team. We've got this. He's got us.

Time to fly.

I'm not together yet.

John Mayer kinda wraps it up in his intro. I'm not together yet. But I'm getting there. Let's just say I'm thankful these next couple of weeks are coming up. I'm ready and all. And I just feel like it's taking SO long for me... and it HAS taken so long for me. And now I'm just waiting for all of this to be worth it. For all of the struggle to be worth it.

"This is a song about being fucked up but getting out of it, y'know? When you're a kid and you get a tennis ball to the nuts, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. But all men will tell you that there's no better feeling than when it stops hurting. "

Too many shadows in my room. Too many hours in this midnight. Too many corners in my mind. So much to do to set my heart right. Oh, it's taking so long. But I could be wrong. I could be ready. Oh, but if I take my heart's advice...I should assume it's still unsteady. I am in repair.

I am in repair. Stood on the corner for a while to wait for the wind to blow down on me

hoping it takes with it my old ways and bring some brand new luck upon me.

Oh, it's taking so long. But I could be wrong. I could be ready. But if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unsteady. I am in repair.

And now I'm walking in the park and all of the birds, they dance below me. Maybe when things turn green again, it will be good to say you know me.

Oh, it's taking so long. But I could be ready. Oh, but if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still in ready. I'm in repair...I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

IM'ing you.

I know it's an ad and all but I think it says a lot 

about what we've been doing with texting and stuff. 

"Muah"'s on MSN or Facebook or through texts just aren't the

same as the 'original' instant message. 

(haven't seen you for almost two weekends; it kills.) 

Moolah eater.

This is the next thing that'll consume my money. In navy. 

It even folds up. How cute is that? 

AMEN, POLINAR.

“It’s easy being indifferent than to care. It’s easy to live for yourself than serve others. And “easy,” is hard to break from.”

You have no idea how much this applies to me . 

I care soooo much about the little things. And some people take it as "nosy" 

or "bitchy" but I actually genuinely care sometimes. But I don't know what to do with it. 

I don't know where to put all of that love because... I don't know... I'm scared some people 

won't accept it. I'm not even scared about rejection really. I think I'm just scared of passive-ness because 

I won't be able to handle knowing that there ARE people out there who don't give two shits about 

things that mean the world to me. Like how I care about the respect women have for themselves 

and how they should treasure and protect themselves both physically and mentally. But some people really don't care. 

(I discussed this with Anna the other day: annabytheriver.tumblr.com) And in all sorts of ways, I've been 

trying to avoid standing up for the things I believe in. (Especially when it comes to university decisions with my parents.) I just don't know where to start. 

I'll think it over while I take a long hot shower maybe...

Or pray.

Next tat?

"Dum spiro, spero."

While I breathe, I hope. 

-Latin Proverb

STABLE AND ABLE.

It's how I can walk on a tight-rope like walking on the side-walk. 

I'm stable and able. I've got soooo much to lose. And I guess that's the tight-rope part of it all; I've got everything I've ever wanted; ever needed... and they're SO precious to me that with one wrong move, my whole life could topple away. I've worked SO hard for this. And I can say that I've done it honestly and haven't kicked any asses along the way.How high up I am right now, freaks the HELL out of me. But because I've worked so hard... I've built up enough leg-muscle and this balancing art is already so easy-breezy. 

The scariest part is... when/if I fall... the unfamiliar concrete is gonna hurt like no other. 

The side-walk turns into the tight-rope. And I won't be walkin' stable and able. 

No.1: Just be.

Be who I am. 

Be all that I can be.

Be grateful.

Be understanding. 

Just let everything work through me, especially God. 

I just want to BE. 

I know there's no such thing as "living life" as a resolution, cuz life's started already. 

I've BEEN living. But there's a difference between BEING and LIVING. 

I want to BE. I want God to work through me. I need Him to. Especially with all the things I'm about to take on. I need God to be there for me. I need to start relying on Him. (And nothing else.) Living comes with it's own connotations. And I need life to be simpler than living. I can't be thinking about the future. I can't be thinking about the past. I need to be in the present. And everything else will follow. The past needs to be let go of. I can't keep bringing it into my future... because then it's just the same stuff over again; because then there will never be a NEW future. 

This year, I just want to  BE.

No.2: Pray

Pray for understanding. 

Simple in words. 

Complex in action.

No.3 Love you.

There are things that Marvin does that I can't be more grateful for. 

There are things that he says that I'll always cherish.

I love knowing that I'm the only one on his mind 24/7. 

I love knowing that he thinks about us. (He's kinda a girl like that.) 

Yesterday, he got all excited on the phone and I was wondering what was up. 

Then he was like, "I know this might sound cheesy, but I know where I want to go for our honeymoon." 

And I was surprised that he'd be thinking about this... cuz it's normally the girl who fantasizes about these things right? (And trust me, I already have a ceremony pictured, reception dreamt, honeymoon all plaaaanned.) 

I guess not, though. Because he sent me this link: http://www.poseidonresorts.com/poseidon_main.html

And I AM SOOOOOO DOWN. haha, even if it's going to be like 10 or 12 years from now. 

Things like this, Marvin, remind me why I love you.

No.4: If I could ask God just one question.

Just finished watching the notebook...(for the millionth time; and I still teared up!)

and I realized (through a song in the movie) that there are a million things I don't know.

And that I'm always hungry for answers. But I don't know me. 

I'd like to say that I do know me completely. I know that I have a lot of pride sometimes... and I can never admit it (it's actually pretty difficult for me to type that here too), that I like eating liver (weird, I know), that I can't stand it when people drag their feet, that I drag my feet when I'm mad... and then get even more mad at myself for dragging my feet, that I can't stand people who breathe in my ear, that I need to sleep north to south, that I need to sleep facing a window, that I hate hate hate the colour green (besides my uniform, there's nothing green in my closet except a hollister shirt that was a present and hasn't been worn...) 

but those are hardly beyond the surface type facts. 

I wish I knew things about my past too. Why they happened and how they've shaped me now.

I want to figure out me. 

And I want to figure out the world at the same time. 

Yeah, I know that sounds a bit over ambitious and kind of arrogant. Because, how can I? 

I know I can't. But I wanna try. That's number four. Not to demand answers but to be hungry for knowledge... and to try to know God by trying to get to know everything He's created... and that includes me.

"Who holds the stars up in the sky? Is true love just once in a life-time? Did the captain of the Titanic cry? Does anybody know the way to Atlantis? Or what the wind says when she cries? Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we'll know why the sky is blue. Someday we'll know..." 

Why'd Samson love Delilah? 

My Yearbook Quote, thanks gin.

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur.
L'essential est invisible pour les yeux."
-Le Petit Prince

No. 5 Goodbyes

I've said good bye more than I would like... but anyone can say that. 

And no matter how much we think it's for the greater good. 

We know how much each one tears at us. 

And we know that we have to live positively, live forward, and live on. 

What we can't do is live our lives always fearing the next goodbye.

Because chances are they're not going to stop.

The thing is, we have to recognize when saying good bye is a good thing... when it's a chance to live again.

Number 7: I can never pin-point as to when or how I have said good bye to certain people. But I always know why. And the why in all of these good-byes never hit me right away. But, when I look back... all of these good-byes have always been a good thing. They have always shaped me or moulded me in one way or another. They have always built upon the person of who I was... making the person of who I am... today. 

... Number seven is to say good bye with the hope that there is that better person inside of me. 

Or maybe to find a new person in me all together.

No. 6: Lost 10lbs.

I wasn't looking to lose any weight. Actually. 

But I realized that my jeans (size 1...actually) were starting to get loose and I started to buy a lot of belts... 

Then just forgot about the belts and started buying size 0. 

I didn't go on any crazy diet. 

I didn't try any endless work-outs. 

I just became too busy for the vital things in my life. 

I forgot to eat dinner sometimes... because I'd be updating a script or two. 

I chose not to eat lunch because I had to study so that I could sleep after play rehearsal... and yeah, I'd be too sleepy to eat. 

I'm not anorexic. Promise. 

I'm just that type of person who will go crazy if I'm not doing anything; the type that always needs to be busy. 

But I've learned my lesson. After being seriously dizzy, light-headed, and almost always tired... (basically walking like I'm drunk) I've really learned my lesson. I've been in bed for the past 18 hours (which is complete torture for a person like me) and have to take a blood test for what, my doctor thinks, could be hypoglycemia. (Without diabetes... which I didn't know was possible.) 

Loving the quick fixes for hypoglycemia though: 

• a tablespoon of table sugar
• half a cup of fruit juice or regular pop
• 1 table spoon of honey or corn syrup (yuck.)
• 2 table spoons of jam
• 2 table spoons of raisins
• 3 glucose tablets
• 1/2 a tube of glucose gel (this doesn't sound appealing at all...)

I've gotta remember that these things definitely won't get done if I keep living like this. 

Number 6: LIVE. Live to the fullest by doing the things I love and doing the things I need to do.

No.7: Awareness.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

-Anais Nin

I was skytraining to school at about 7 am. (I take it from the Island Suburbs of Richmond to the busy city of Vancouver.)The sky was purple, and it made me smile. Then I noticed how

the strong mountains stood there, dressed in a dark almost handsome type of blue... then I noticed that streaks of pink started to seep into the sky; it made the whole scene so picture-esque.

However, I couldn't help but wince at the fact that I have never noticed these things before. I have been taking the skytrain since the summer time and I hope this is the first time this has happened...

and that it wasn't just my (unknown/"unconscious") ignorance that has caused me to ignore these miracles. I'm just glad that that is the past... and this is the now. NOW I will be able to witness the small miracles that remind me each day that the world is a beautiful place. That where I live, where I am... where my heart is... is pure BEAUTY. And I will that way forever. Grateful that despite how UNDESERVING I am, God reached out to me with a miraculous sunrise. Grateful that he created such a busy/stressful week in order for me to be aware of such a beautiful sky. (Which in turn, made me pause for just one moment in my life.)

Grateful and aware.

"If we could see the miracle

of a single flower clearly,

our whole LIFE would change."

-Buddha

Beautifully spoken.

If someone were to ask me where I was on this whole gay/lesbian marriage issue...
this sums it up perfectly.
I don't hate it.
I don't love it.
But I think we can learn from it.