Clarity and my muse

I think that's all I need. NOT just in my lit essays (but if God could pull some sort of miracle and make that happen...I'd be overjoyed!) 

But I need clarity in life. 

Especially when it comes to you.

I think I know what to do. 

It's like cleaning out the closet. 

Gotta get rid of the things that don't fit anymore. 

The question is....do I sell you? Or do I just give you away? 

Maybe if you're cleared... my essays will finally be worth a 6!

Unexpected idols...

Corruptive.

Invasive.

Uncontrolled.

Malignant.

Destructive.

Mysterious.

Acquired or Inherited.

Recurrent. (In some cases.)

Hindering.

Abnormal.

...check out the conintuation on heavierpicture.blogspot.com

It was you I was thinking of.

When I heard the rain pattering against my window...

When I heard the bickering of the crows...

When I heard the gravel crunching underneath my feet...

When I heard the empty seat...

When I heard the abandoned room...

When I heard the hollow womb...

When I had heard the forgotten tears...

...when I understood the worthless prayers.

For all those who read too much into what I write---no, I am NOT pregnant. 

It's simply a poem showing my stand on abortion. (Against.) 

It depicts how nothing good can come from it. From that, take it how you want.

dead feet.

Standing seven hours straight (sometimes even RUNNING) in 2 inch heels is not good for my feet. They are SO sore that I can NOT walk without groaning. 

On the other hand (not foot...haha, I made a funny)--I WENT SHOPPING TODAY :)

Bought a shitload of work clothes so I don't really have to THINK about what I want to wear. 

I can just grab and go. I bought two dresses :) One of which is my grad photos dress. 

And the other one just looked pretty.

I FINALLY FOUND A PENCIL SKIRT THAT HUGS MY BODY. THANK THE LORD.

and I found dress pants too :) :) :) Now I don't ALWAYS have to wear a skirt/dress to work. 

However, the most glorious news of all....is that I bought my steve madden heels for not $230 or the first markdown of $110 but for a second markdown of $90! HOLLA AT 'CHO GIRL. YEAH. 

I am LOVING life right now.

All I need are two bags from work. haha, highlight on the 'need.' 

A list of what I splurged on today:

-3 sequin shirts

-1 lace shirt

-2 bras (finally!! haha jess and anna)

-2 dresses

-steve madden heels

-Charlotte Russe flats

-2 Friends DVD's (Seasons 1 and 2) 

-Work pants

-Pencil Skirt

-2 Rings

-and a pair of earrings (even though I think my piercings are filling in!!! I think it's b/c I've been wearing JUST my cartilage for a few weeks now...)

:) :) :) So I am a very happy/satisfied woman as of right now! 

I think it even makes up for the panging pain in my feet. 

Time to sleep.

Life is a breeeeeeze.

When you're upset about something, my family would NEVER ask you what's wrong. Heaven forbid. It seems that the family motto is, "One can find happiness without the help of others." 

They might ask each other, "What's wrong with her?" But they would never go to the extent of asking YOU what is wrong. They think that you will figure it out eventually. 

So I have to say that no, I have never had anyone in this family show any remote interest in how "badly" I was feeling today. Instead, the expected answer to the daily question, "How was school?", is always "Good." 

Just 'good.' 

And stress is a "poison" that one brings about to oneself. Never a "poison" you get from biting a poison apple. (But then again, why would one be eating strange apples, right?)

In the end, MY life is SUPPOSED to be breezy because I have NEVER suffered in the same way that my parents have when they lived in poverty. I have NEVER encountered days where I don't feel like getting up in the morning, or days where I can't seem to function. Because why should I? 

I have food. I get a ride to school. I own a laptop. I have luxury. So what's there to complain about? 

Hm.

To this grooooove.

If it's cool, we can do a little sumthin'.

Let me groove with you so we can kick a little sumthin' sumthin'.

Even if he pays me no attention.

All I wanna do is show my affection.

Lose myself inside his ebony. Honeydewsuga'chocolate dumplin', yeah. 

Brotha with a little sumthin' sumthin'.

Flava with a cocoa kinda flow.

Baby, act like you know.

So if it's coool, I wanna rock with 'chu.

Only if it's cool.

She just needed you to believe.

"She needed someone to show her who she could be.

And she tried to survive wearing her heart on her sleeve." 

dear john trailer, finally.

After maybe over half a year of waiting, they finally released the Dear John trailer. 

http://ow.ly/uB7i

I AM SO EXCITED, IT IS UNREAL.

"You don't scare me, John."

Not gon' leave tonight. Not gon' leave at all. It's for longer than forever.

You kept telling me not to worry. "Believe I'm telling the truth, so don't doubt it."

But if you are lying to me. I'm leaving tonight. 

Everyone said you ain't no good, then you proved them right. I'm leaving tonight. It's over and done. Ain't no sense in trying to wait till the morning comes. 

I'm not leaving tonight. Girl, you're my life. All of your friends think I'm no good. Please don't prove them right. I'm not leaving tonight. It's over and done. Let's leave this alone and let's make love till the morning come.

You're my man. 

Don't let them interfere with us being happy.

I love you, that's a fact.

But I'll be damned if imma let you up and disrespect whose been there from the start. 

You claim, you claim not to know her. 

 but she's on your phone...she even got a ringtone, you care to explain that part?

swim.

"Stability is returning to key relationships." 

a lol'ers type story.

So, Marvin and I went to the bank (TD beside pacific centre, I believe) because I had to withdraw money to buy my pea coat from the Gap (Marvin can't use my debit card in order to get his employee discount because it's not under his name.) And after I finished withdrawing the money at the machine, I decided to get some Aldo papers filled out for my direct depositing account. 

I said to myself, "Well, you might as well...we're already here." So then Marvin and I lined up to get a teller to fill out some forms. I took the booklet out a folder of mine and handed it to marvin to hold because I had too much stuff to hold (as always.) Waiting in the line-up, Marvin and I got to talking and I forgot the folder was in my hand. Then, I kind of let my arm drop, folder in hand...and it being so full, the folder burst open and my papers spilled out. As soon as they did though, I turned around and bent over to pick them up. (I was blocking Marvin's way at this point, so he couldn't help me.) But AS SOON AS the papers dropped, some other spanish looking guy helped me gather my papers and handed them to me. He was, mind you, on the complete other side of the line-up, not even beside us. And it was kinda funny because Marvin couldn't do anything and of course, my baby Marvin got a little jealous/frustrated. 

Was tres tres funny.

$$$ Dolla dolla bill, y'all.

So I spent a small fortune today on a pea coat (apparently the red-version of Belle's) and a black cardigan from the Gap avec 50% discount from my booooyfriend. I think it was about $120ish? And I'm looking to spend $50 on this skirt from plen+y. Is that bad? It's propaganda! But then I have to buy my grad pics dress from BCBG which will be about 170? Not bad. But I still have to get it tailored because it is WAAAAY too long. So $40 on top of that? Eh. Sigh. 

Someone's going to be working a heeeeell of a lot. Woohoooo!

war and water

I accidently wrote, "France, Germany, and Belgium agreed to not make water."

instead of "France, Germany, and Belgium agreed to not make war." 

I think someone's thirsty.

I guess I'll go downstairs and get some water. Not war.

Hilariousness. (:

sauna days up in heee-uhhh/places (empty and filled)

It's so warm in my room. It's lovely :) 

I love how much heat the chandelier gives off. I know, I know...it's a bad waste of energy. Whatever. I'm warm. And I'm technically saving because I don't need a heater now! 

SO there. Eat that environmentalists. 

Anywayyyyys, I'm supposed to be studying for this History Quiz that I have tomorrow. 

But, as you can probably tell, I don't feel like it. I hate that. I hate not feeling up to it because

I normally do. But when I don't. I really don't. 

What else is there to say? 

Life is too perfect. I honestly don't know how else to describe my life.

I'm at this place where everything is on the right shelf. Where it should be. 

I'm at a place where there are even empty SPACES on the shelves of my life for the dreams, the possibilities that COULD be. 

And empty spaces for the achievements that WILL be. 

Yuuuup, I'm where I have always wanted to be. 

Where things aren't quite there yet. But I know they will be. 

And I FINALLY know that what I'm doing is right.

Which is weird...because I STILL haven't decided if I want to go into arts or sciences...and you'd think I would be freaking out (majorly) about this...

and trust me, I am. But if I feel like what I'm doing right now, is right; why question what I'm doing? It's more a question of "what am I going to do with what I'm doing?" I trust that the answer to that will spring up one day. Is that naive of me?

A Work In Progress.

New poem...still working on it; but this is the gist of it: 

Because without the sky, the grass would have no one to embrace. 

Because without the sea, the sand would have no one to kiss. 

Because without the seasons, there would be no room for change. 

Because without the birds, the imagination would sleep forever. 

Because without the soil of the land, diamonds would be oh so conventional. 

Because without the irregularities of the world...a rectangle would not be a rectangle. 

Days of the Liberation; Days of the Soul Salvation.

Working my days and drinking my nights away. 

I got a million dollar view looking over my neighbor's pain.

But that don't phase me, no. 

It's a sad, sad illusion of happy

as we're paying our way to misery,

It's a sad, sad illusion of happy

and we're fools for calling it living free. 

These are the days of the liberation.

These are the days of the soul salvation.

The "Ideal"

"There's reading for comprehension, 

Some read for information, 

We, we read for meaning." 

I hate this. No, I LOATHE it.

I struggle with myself when this happens.

No matter what you do,

No matter how we fight, 

No matter what, where, when, why; I always run back to you. Always.

I can NEVER be mad at you.

And you know what, sometimes I just want to get mad and scream and just punch you in the gut. But I can NEVER bring myself to do it. I think it might have something to do with love...MIGHT. Hah! 

Seriously though, sometimes I get so frustrated...but I can never let it out on you.

Almost every time we argue...I want to hang up just to show you that you shouldn't be messing with me. But I can't. I always stay. And I always end up saying bye before hanging up. 

That's the way I teach you a lesson. Isn't that pathetic? 

I can't hang up. I cry and say bye...

...wow. EEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF.

UGLY

Call me irrational, 

Call me foolish, moronic even, 

Call me bad-tempered, 

Call me ridiculous, 

Call me complacent, 

but I mean what I say,

and I mean it when I say it,

so take it to heart when (as acrimonious as it sounds) I tell you to screw the f*ck off :) :) :)

"Did you expect to kiss me one time and never look at me again?"

This isn't what we are. You know there's something more.

You want to dance out all this beating heart bore. 

You feel it shaking your soul. 

The last piece of the mosaic; keeping you whole. 

You know that we're polar opposites; 

and any unification of us would be complete chaos.

But I think it's time that we bypass the bullshit

because it's true, the hour hand moves faster than it should. 

And you're wasting my time with this

unnecessary performance. 

Love and Trust as defined by Neyo.

" I believe that loving and trusting someone are the same. I don't think you can truly love somebody unless you trust them. That blind trust, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter what this person sayin' and that person...you believe your [wo]man. Now you say you love me but everytime one of your little friends come at you with something; we gotta do this. I'm trying, I'm trying to show you that I'm for real. Tell me what I've gotta do to show you that I'm for you." 

COLLOQUIAL

"We know each other like the colloquial; informal and familiar. 

You use me like the colloquial; frequently and oh so slanderously."

It's just how we work. Get used to it. 

I am .

This is how it works a lot of the time.

"He wasn't bad..., 

he just didn't fit the role that was given to him in life.
He wasn't s u p p o s e d to be good." 

Disbelief.

Whenever I have some free time to myself...

I analyze my high school years.

I think about what I did right, what I did wrong...

and how all of my actions drove me to certain consequences.

And I wonder, in immense disbelief, how I survived the years...

and I am still amazed that I am ending high school.

I STILL can't believe I'm in grade 12. 

(I know I should get over with it, and move on...but wow...)

And this is why gabe bondoc should get signed already.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_M8xt7p5H0

This.

I can't explain this.

And I can't explain why I struggled to type those very words...

I tried to fashion them so they would sound appealing...

so that they might offer a fancy image for you to toy with in your head...

"This" refers to our relationship. 

It's not that I'm doubting you. Or us. Or me. 

And it's definitely not because I don't know what we are, or where we are in all of this.

But it's more due to the fact that I can't BELIEVE this is happening.

I can't seem to swallow how PERFECT this is. 

I mean, how could you expect me to? 

You know how I'm feeling without me having to say it. 

You know where my thoughts are wandering off to before I even think them.

You want to...no, NEED to, see me just as much as I need to see you. 

You love me. 

You've been loving me. 

You vow to love me forever.

So can you blame me that this (being beyond my hopes and dreams) is proving difficult to swallow?

from a best friend

hey how are you? i need to tell you something soon. 

An Anorexic Type Beauty-Lit12 Poem

MODELS

-an anorexic type beauty

A false perfection lies within her eyes, 

Where thou may see the seas kissing the skies,

The pair that captures you, and pays her full.

T'ward death with ev'ry flick; her heart beats still.

The painted smile bears deep a crimson tale

a  sanctuary that follows with each meal. 

Abundant in prestige; lack of esteem, 

Her life and locks barely sewn at the seams.

Her fabricated form may lure you near, 

Until those crimson tales escape in fear 

of many "cold tile" nights consumed alone, 

which service to unveil the jagged bone. 

Though song be sung of beauty sure and clear, 

The clothes, they struggle to hold close and dear. 

Without gatekeepers.

"...or if you're interested in this that I'm interested in perhaps I can introduce you to something else that you might like that you didn't automatically think of ...that's a pretty exciting concept. If we can share those authentic parts of ourselves with one another then we get to have an experience that there really is much less that's different about us than I thought and we're really more alike than we're not alike. And where there is sameness, where there is a like quotient, there's commonality, with commonality there's so much less fear, without so much fear there's so much less conflict, without conflict the likelihood and probability of war drops significantly. And that thing that we always said that we wanted as a species,

"p e a c e," becomes just that more possible and has been made so by technology. Why did we create this in the first place? If not to get to a place where we can REALLY connect. Not distance ourselves from one another. I think it's to genuinely connect." 

-LeVar Burton (Yes, the guy from the Reading Rainbow.) 

Probably the first time I have ever head someone speaking about how technology (mainly twitter, and such) can lead to peace. And this hope that LeVar brings about through his genuine belief....really sort of inspired the geek in me, I guess. It made me believe that the internet can REALLY be a sort of community-building without gatekeepers...