No fruit tree bears a lock and key.

"I tell you the whole world is for men to possess. 

Heartbreak and terror are not the heritage of mankind! 

The world is b e a u t i f u l. No fruit tree bears a lock and key.

Men will sing at their work, men will love. Ohhh darling, 

the world is in its morning...and      no     man     fights    alone."

-Leo Gordon in Paradise Lost

Death by Homework.

Title says it all. It's what I wake up to and what I sleep to. 

And to top it all off...my blue skies have gone bankrupt! And on strike! Where have they gone to?! And there's been a drastic drop in temperature today! It was crrrazy! I'm going to invest in a really warm jacket this season. I don't care how much it is. I'm willing to spend 5 bills on it if it'll really keep me warm this winter. It's so depressing outside and there's no sunshine to wake me up. I've been sleeping in by half an hour and rushing my butt out the door. It's horrible really. I haven't had breakfast at home for the past two weeks (one week because of Ashland) and I really miss it. I think I'll try to have some breakfast at home tomorrow... especially since my mom bought 2 boxes of cocoa pebbles. I did tell her to buy Trix for Maria... but she forgot. Anyways, there's been a huge question just breeding inside of me, wanting to explode. I've been wondering for the longest time if God cares for the subtleties. I mean... he kinda has to, doesn't he? If he works in small ways...he must take the small things to heart... and he must really hope that we care for them too right? So if I un-crease a book's page in the library and try to straighten it out as much as possible so that it doesn't get even more ruined... he notices, right? (And yes, I actually do that...) And if I unscuff one of the shoe marks in the hallway so that our school looks just that much "tidier"... he notices right? Yes, I know he notices me, an immensely small part to this world, but does he notices the EVEN smaller things I do? He must. (And that's what I've been telling myself repeatedly.) Because then... what is this all for? The little "hello's" and nods to all of my friends aren't just to be courteous or cool (although both of those are partially why...), it's because I thought it would be a nice thing to do. So he MUST take that to heart, right? Anyways, this has been annoying me for the longest time. And I thought I'd ask a priest or someone 'holy' enough to give me some sort of answer...

It's also time to ease my way back to Church. 

Time to say "no" to these "I'm-too-busy" excuses. 

For e.g.

"I'll have good songs 

and I'll have bad songs in life, 

but if I fear 'bad' songs I won't be able to write anything from an honest place. "

-John Mayer

This is how I've been feeling lately about my life in general.

Ashland Day One 1/2

So we got to Ashland yesterday!

And it was pretty fun-filled.

We went into our designated rooms and found out that

our room (Jade, Ali, Shannon, and I) has a joint balcony with the other girls room (Gina, Katrina, Danica, and Andrea!!!!!) Freaking crazy, right?! I know.

Anyways, after unpacking and settling ourselves, we had our first meeting ever.

We went over some basic ground-rules and talked about safety around the pools.

Then we (Jade, Ali, Shannon, and I) went back into our rooms and rested/showered.

After showering, we walked over to "The Market of Choice" and bought cocoa pebbles, milk, chicken, pop, pesto pasta, and potato salad.

Then we went back to the hotel and had dinner! It was so cute. Pictures will be up soon.

After that we just talked and chilled and changed into our PJ's.

Then we hung out in the balcony with everyone!!!

And then we felt like it was beddy-bye time....so we just slept.

When we woke up (at 7:20am) we took baths/showers and then set-up breakfast on the balcony! It was suppppaaaaaa cute. Once again, pics will go up.

Then after breakfast, we went for our second meeting about the plays that we're going to watch today! And now we're setting up some in-room lunch and then we're gonna set out for town! yay!

List of Things to Bring to Ashland.

-Shampoo/Conditioner/Face Wash (because I never like the ones they give in the hotel...)

-Toothpaste 

-Toothbrush

-Eye Contacts/Solution/Glasses

-Stuff to do on the bus...(magazines, books, laptop, etc.) 

-Make-up (girls...and if you guys like that kind of thing.)

-Wallet with AMERICAN money. (duh.) 

-Clothes

like shorts, underwear, (idk about swimming suit), PJ's, shoes (sandals, flats, sneakers...), one jacket, one pair of jeans.

-Hair Stuff (girls and guys)

gel, hairspray, bobby pins, hair ties...

-If you're bringing your cell phones/laptops; don't forget their chargers. 

P.S. Dress for WARM weather

http://www.theweathernetwork.com/weather/usor0015

P.P.S. Remember about the foods you CAN'T bring over the border. 

http://www.cbp.gov/xp/cgov/travel/vacation/kbyg/prohibited_restricted.xml

Why... would you do this to me?

Why don't you understand? 

Why don't you just SEE it the way everybody else does?

Why must you believe it's an octagon...when really it's just your EVERY DAY FRICKIN square?!

In other words (I really shouldn't be practicing metaphors on you...) why can't you see that it's just simple? It's what it is. 

I am being professional. 

I am doing this with poise and grace.

I am TRYING to not let you bug me.

But honey, you're bugging the living shit out of me.

And I just want to let you know that you've crossed a border. 

I want to let you know that you've brought drama into a part of my life that was so pure. You've tainted that part of me. It was a place where I could do what I'm good at doing without being disturbed and without distraction. This isn't an egotistical thing at all. It isn't even a "I was here first" way of thinking. 

It leans more on the fact that I'm hurt. 

Let me rephrase that actually...I'm STILL hurt. 

And, I think I deserve the time needed to get over it.

What it comes down to really...is that whenever I look at you...

I experience pain. A real...grab my core by the roots and completely displace all normality and zen sort of pain. A pain that reminds me of what you did. Of how you hurt me.

A. Keys never without class.

"If you think about it, it's like you can dream about having all these 

big dreams, big ideas...you can dream about being a millionaire...

and having everything you could possibly want in the world. But you know...what does 

it even mean when you're alone through it all?" 

-Alicia Keys on her single, Doesn't Mean Anything

And what she says on Lil' Mama and Kanye...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMJsaWdelJA

Dreams.

This life is a dream. 

But it's better in a way... because it's real. It's made out of real things that can be seen and touched and stored away as pictures in old shoeboxes. And they've become so real that sometimes they even make their way into my dreams. If that makes any sense.

It's weird. This life is MY dream. I love it. I love everything about it. 

And I think I've reached a point in my life where it's not even perfect... but I LOVE it. 

Maybe that's the reason I love it? I'm not so bored! 

My classes are amazing: history, lit, french...I love them all. 

Except physics. But see?! That's where the equilibrium of it all fits in! 

Which makes it so perfect even though it's REALLY imperfect. It's the balance. 

This is probably what I've been searching for for forever in my life. (Whoah three "for's" in a row... totally not on purpose, hah!) 

Yes, I HAVE been working 4-10 for the last 6ish shifts. But, I don't care. It makes me work harder...it pushes and motivates me to challenge myself. (Challenge myself at work, school,with my faith... but no, not my room... THAT aspect of my life is still REALLY messy.) 

I get up pumped for school. I leave school pumped for work. I get home pumped for homework. 

If I was pumping iron it'd probably be reps of 100lbs+!!! (Was that corny?) 

I lovelovelovelovelove my life. 

My friends (there are no words I could put on a post card, into a song, or a poem about how much I love and need you guys), my boyfriend (you are my SPINE, without you I wouldn't be able to stand...seriously), my family (I love you guys more than you'll EVER know), and God (you're still moving this heart, big guy.) 

I don't know how I'd ever thank any of you. I guess just by giving all of me (my time, my love, my attention...) to you.

Missing: HMV Boy

So this has sort of been a thing of the past. (Practically 2 years ago, actually.)

But I decided to bring it up again... because I haven't seen you in almost half a year...and this feeling feels weird. 

Confused? Let me let you into the backstory of it all...

So once upon a grade 10 year, my mother would drop me off every Sunday at marine drive and main street for 

play practices. And almost every time, I would see this boy on the bus. 

I never thought anything of it. He seemed plain enough and I was normally half-awake (if even) at this time. 

However, he started popping up everywhere I went. 

Even during after school practices when my mom would occasionally pick me up from marine drive and main street. 

He always got on/off at 41st. 

Then I figured...well, he probably lives/works around here. "Yeah," I thought to myself, "it is kind of weird that we have the same bussing schedules..." but I shrugged off that thought. And, for some time, I forgot about him. 

Until play-week came about. And (I forget which show day it was) during one of our breaks...I bumped into him at Oakridge. Well, not literally BUMPED into him--but I saw him! Working in HMV to be exact. And I told everyone in play. I told them the story that I am currently typing and sure enough, they were all freaked out as well. 

Kal-el and Jomar pitch in some jokes about me liking HMV boy and all of this silly five year old stuff. And then I hear about Marvin's Samurai Girl. (Which is way less serendipitous than mine...)

But anyways, he sees some "cute" girl working at Samurai sushi. And the boys (Jomar and Kal-el) dare him to go tell her she's cute. Which he does. 

Some time goes by...and Marvin and I occasionally tease each other about Samurai Girl and HMV boy whenever we go into either of the two. However, one time we did go into Samurai...Samurai Girl was A C T U A L L Y there. 

So the teasing went on and on. And then I decided that I'd go venture out and look for HMV boy. 

However, I THOUGHT I saw him walking down main (about 6 months ago), skateboard in arm, and I freaked! But I was on the bus and "he" was crossing the street. 

Anyways, that's the story.

HMV boy is pretty skinny, wavy brown hair, greenish-grey eyes, pale skin, pretty big lips, soft looking face, drinks organic drinks, plays guitar, and skateboards.....so if you're him....and you're reading this...

I think the serendipity of it all would just kill me.

I wonder if you moved? Or maybe you just quit HMV...which would sort of ruin the name...

Ramune bottles, hi-chew, and fred perry messenger bags.

I had a real good day today. 

Marvin brought me hash-browns, sausages, and apple juice from mcdonald's for breakfast this morning.

(I also had some cocoa puffs!) And then we took a nap, watched some youtube videos, and just talked. 

Before leaving, Marvin and I made a deal that I'd go get my eyebrows threaded on the condition that I don't wear any make-up out. (He doesn't like me with make-up nor does he think I need to get my eyebrows done. What a weirdo, right?) 

After, he helped me buy some Ramune! I also wanted to buy some mangosteen juice but decided against it and switched the mangosteen for mango and apple hi-chew :) 

(Watch jache, mike, and ali finish it all in homeroom!) 

Then we found out that the eyebrow place was closed! :( So not only did I have no make-up on (which I can actually live with, and not really care about) but i had hideous eyebrows the whole day!!!!! Sigh. 

After that depressing (for me) but joyous (for him) moment, we went to Superstore to get some of my pictures developed so I can actually decorate my locker for the first time after all of my years in high school. (I thought it would be fitting since this is my last year!) 

Following Superstore, Marvin and I went to PaJo's! It was glorious. The weather was perfect! It wasn't too hot or too cold! And the sun was still out so it was nice to just sun bathe for a while. It felt soo good on my face :) 

We then went to go pick up my pictures from Superstore and along the way we made some fobbin' lady friends. haha! We blended right into the crowd. Then we headed over to Church (and along the way got the phone call from Belle about Kanye's over-done rudeness on the vma's)  and we prayed in the adoration chapel for a while. 

Then we met up with my sister, who was at the Church already, and walked home with her. 

All in all, it was quite an amazing day in that it wasn't so amazing. It was just like any other day. 

All of the regular things Marvin and I do together...but somehow it still holds the description of "amazing" in my mind.

 

I know I know, it's past my bed-time...

But I HAD to blog. 

You were just ringing in my head and I HAD to get out of bed and write about you. 

I can't believe it. We've been at this for almost a year and a half...and it STILL feels the same.

If I just imagine our first kiss...I get all giddy inside. 

It's stupid. Well, maybe not. But to some people, yeah, it sounds stupid. 

I like it though. 

We're simple. (More so you than me.) But still. 

I like to think that we have this sort of consistency going on. 

That no matter what happens, no matter how, no matter why... this "thing" we've got going on... it's consistent. It's the same. It's determined to last forever.

I guess you could say this "thing" we've got going on is love.

(Cynics, you can puke now.) But for all of you optimists, it's out there.

I mean, it's here for me. So it must be out there for everyone else.  Right? 

I really really really really really....dislike you.

After a couple of realizations, all pretty much surfacing after every "chill day" we have, 

I've come to a very real, very clear conclusion.

I don't really like you. 

Not like that.

I mean, as a p e r s o n-I just don't get along with you.

You might think differently. But let me get this out now. It's weird. 

Especially after tonight, I've decided that this is it. 

This is the "vibe" that I'm getting. 

My person doesn't "vibe" with your person. 

Just because I've decided that "I'm finished with people like you." 

Don't you just l o v e that quote? Tell your friends. 

Y O U.

If this isn't love....say what it is. 

If this isn't love, I think I'm dreaming or I'm just plain crazy.

Because this is what it is for me. And it's what I see in pictures, in the way you hold my hand, in your eyes....in your heart. Does it scare people that we can read each other like that? 

That you can read my soul.

It sounds so vulnerable and I guess that's because....well, it is. You can tear me open and read me like a book. With my heart in your hands, you can decipher it's every beat. You KNOW it's rhythm and what it is that it's trying to express. You know the song being sung in every word I speak. 

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that you understand me. And I know that's a common thing to say and all. But you do. You know the little things...like how I bite my lip or stick my tongue out when I'm really trying to concentrate. And I'm not going to lie, you know what I'm going to say before I even speak it. (Without even trying...you just end up saying the same thing as me sometimes.) 

We've become so together. If that makes any sense at all? It's like we're breathing each other. We practically live in each other's souls...

that's how much I've EXPOSED my self to you. 

And it's reallly quite a beautiful thing.

School tmr.

Well, I guess this is it. 

This is grade twelve...

the start of an upcoming end, 

the start of an unfamiliar beginning...

HOLY SHIT, this is IT! 

I just got c h i l l s.

It's one of those slow deaths...

*WARNING* :  a whoole ton of biology to follow…



Do you know how it feels when the pain is too overwhelming…

when it just swallows you whole…

and you don’t REALLY feel like you’ve been consumed?
Just because there was no process.

You weren’t chewed. 
You didn’t feel the pain. 

You just somehow landed in this stomach…trapped and surrounded by walls drenched in HCl. 

And it’s so surreal. 

Then you wonder to yourself…how did I get here? why did I  allow myself to be swallowed? why didn’t I notice it earlier? 

After sitting there a while… soaking it all in… and processing all of those unanswered questions in your mind… you contemplate on how long you might be there… tallying the days until the HCl digests you slowly but surely… until there’s nothing left of you. 

Until you’re chyme. 
 

12 Seconds of Suffering.

Just as I was about to escape from 

these surface senses...

There was an itch on the back of my neck.

I knew if I scratched it with my knives, 

the cold would cut me open for all the clouds to see. 

Twelve seconds passed

and more broken than sorry, 

I kissed the temptress of relief 

scratching away the pain.

Inviting the surgeon of torture to take over this fantasy.